Sometimes we aren't going to understand...

This morning I woke up like I do every morning. It was just another day. The most depressing part was that my husbands vacation was over and he was back to work. Not going to lie I was pouting.  So little did I know this was going to be a very small tear in the pool of today...

A woman that I admire and look up to for many years, who helped me through very trying times in my life, who has always been there to lend a reassuring word even almost 600 miles away...

no longer is..

Her life was cut short do to a car accident... yes an accident... then why am I so angry?..

Im angry because at this moment knowing that one of the best people I have ever known who has a husband that would move heaven and earth for her and a house FULL of children that need her... love her... all I can think is the selfish judgmental thoughts..

WHY COULDN'T IT HAVE BEEN SOMEBODY ELSE!!!! WHY couldn't it have been one of those people that are horrible people?!

This may be cruel and terribly un Christian like but at this moment in my pain... I honestly can't care... please God  forgive me later...

How can our world survive when someone that is so life changing, wonderful, giving, compassionate and loving isn't around?

Shes not just one person. She was one person that touched more lives than I could ever dream of touching. She shared truths. Listened to fears. Encouraged dreams. Instilled patience.

She loved unconditionally.  You could be in the same room as her and her husband and feel yes FEEL the love pouring from them for each other...

How can that just go away...

I don't understand. .. I am honestly not sure I ever will... I'm mad... I'm struggling  see the larger purpose... in my eyes her purpose was to be here.  To be a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister and a friend...

I cant remember if I ever thanked you.  For everything or even anything... I regret if I didn't.

Thank you.  Thank you for helping to shape me into the woman I am today. Thank you for always believing I could be better. Thank you for showing me that life is meant to be shared and full of love and that being angry and lonely is just that... angry and lonely... I miss you, your family miss you... friends miss you... the world will miss you...

I thought I knew it all.

Before i was a mom I thought I knew it all.
I thought I knew the best technique for discipline.
I thought i knew how to do it all without being tired.
I thought I'd be organized.
I thought I wouldn't make mistakes.
I thought I'd have perfectly well behaved children.
I thought I'd put other moms to shame.

Yes this is shallow that I believed that I could be "better" than anyone else. But my only dream in life was to be a mom so I was going to succeed at being darn good at it.

And you know what? I am.

I mess up and lose my temper sometimes.  Wish I could take a raising of my voice "knock it OFF!" back.

But I apologize and my babies forgive me.

In that I succeed.

I am tired more often than not.

But I wake up every morning down my cup (maybe two) of coffee and start my day with my kiddos. Playing, reading, cleaning. Repeat.

In that I succeed.

I am one of the least organized people in this world. My brilliant memory I had before pregnancy never returned and without the help of my husband I wouldn't know where my keys (he thankfully set up a key clip for me so they are always in the same place), my ID, my sunglasses or even my belt were. Minimal things in our house have a home and the ones that do my husband set up for me ha.

So I personally dont succeed in that but I married a wonderful man that keeps my brain screwed on and with that I can say I succeeded even in my failure.

I make mistakes. Dozens of times a day. Multiple times in one hour sometimes.  I dont pay attention to some small things I should because I'm to busy focusing on things I've made bigger than I should have. Said things I shouldn't have. Made the wrong decisions thinking they were right.

But I did all of those things with the intention of doing the right thing and when they are wrong I learn from those mistakes. Theres new ones to learn from every day and I probably wont have them all figured out by the time my children are grown and on their own.

But by learning I succeed.

My children are NOT perfect and by expecting them to try to be I'm putting pressure on them they do not deserve.  They may not be perfect by what pre mommy me thought they should be but they are perfectly them.

In knowing that and accepting them how they are I have succeeded.

I no longer try to put other mothers to shame. I can't.  Each mother has their own battle they are fighting that isn't mine. They could sit there and put ME to shame. This ones house may be spotless but it takes a toll on her emotionally and physically to do it all. This one may have a messy house that brings her feeling of accomplishment down. This one may have a child with adhd and she feels embarrassed when her child causes problems in class. This one may have an autistic child and have to learn in whole different ways how to be a parent.
All of these mothers are different with different situations.  Some married, some single, some with families to help and some who are utterly alone.

I can't and won't judge them. I will be the listening ear and the hand to help them up when they need it. I am their fellow soldier fighting to better my child every day.

In that in have succeeded.

I look back now and laugh at myself for being so vain to think that in had it all figured out before I even had the opportunity to figure it out.

Thank goodness we have the opportunity to change our viewpoints throughout our lives.

Each day is a new exciting adventure and each day that I mess up and am tired I love the fact that I can look at the previous hours and not see monotony.

Thank goodness I still dont know it all.