Week 36

Week 36 day 5....
I waddle. Alot.
My husband in his sweet loving way as I was complaining a few days back about not fitting into anything looked at me and said "well babe you're huge." Don't think he thought that one through to well. Lol instantly he tried to change how he said it.
I don't sleep to we'll these days. It's either heartburn, gotta pee, pelvis pain, gotta pee, back pain oh or I gotta pee. Not to mention the two other kiddos already occupying a room in our house.
Our 3 year old wants held all the time. "Mommy I hold you!" No kid what you don't realize is its me holding you. And your sister. And my bladder.
I have severe back pain almost all the time, and actually have been experiencing some contractions the last 4 days. Which unfortunately has made the bathroom my new favorite hangout. 
Third trimester morning sickness does in fact exist. And I happened to get the fine opportunity to learn that this pregnancy. Yay! Go me!
My c section is still 2 weeks and 4 days away.... I feel my tummy... I feel the aches, pains and I have yet to be able to grasp how that's even a possibility.  Haha.
Daddy on the pregnancy countdown?  I think he's about as ready as me. I think he's ready for a calmer wife again and maybe the option to not always have to help a turtle roll over ;) right honey?
But light is at the end of the tunnel folks!

Suicide prevention

Today September 10th is an annual day to me that strikes a nerve and i believe deserves strong recognition. Suicide prevention day.

In 2007 after a few years of struggling with depression and having a few unfortunate situations show themselves, I had developed a strong addiction to alcohol. I drank to have fun, I drank to forget, I drank to... well... drink.
It hindered my social life with friends and family, hindered my work life... basically every single aspect of my life was warped and wrapped around my life of depression.

One July day unfortunately my guilt surrounded me. I believed that I was causing pain and conflict with those around me and I needed to make everything easier on them.
That afternoon after a few shots and a handful of pills I had my mother rushing me to the hospital on the phone with my dad. I Thankfully have a dear friend that knew me well enough that he knew something was up.

The next day is the worst when you realize you were wrong. That you weren't helping anyone. You were hurting them.

My best friend in 2009 tragically took his own life. I remember being angry at him and at everything around. It took years to talk about him in a non emotional way. I remember worrying about what domino effect his death would cause. But one of the strongest memories was my 13 year old brother looking at me after the funeral and saying "promise you won't ever try to do it again."

I wish all the time myself or someone else could have seen the signs. I wish all the time that just one word would have shot through my head as a warning. That he could have been stopped the way I was.

But today is a reminder to all that mental illness no matter what it's form exists. And that suicide can in fact be prevented. Those around you do care about you whether at the moment you feel it or not.

Help is always available. Seek it out please. Nobody has to feel alone.