It's ok...

Today I hit an all time low.

For over a month I've worked to stay positive,  patient, tolerant, loving, understanding. Heck I've put every waking moment into just being quiet.

Don't say the wrong thing, don't make anyone mad, keep everyone from yelling. Oh gosh my head hurts...

In trying so hard to hold everything else together I forgot to hold myself together. And today... that fact showed it's ugly teeth...

I hit breaking point.

Now I thought I already had weeks ago when I'd call my aunt crying, getting in the car and bawling my eyes out in the few moments I had to myself to hide away...

I was SO wrong...

Breaking point isn't when you can hold it together in front of people slap on that cheerful positive "face" and keep moving...
It's when you can't cover it up anymore, where you don't want to move, don't want to feel, don't want to listen to anyone.

Today, I shut down. I screamed, I cried, I for the first time in my life as a mommy looked at my big eyed boys who were all over me trying to comfort me and yelled at them to just leave alone.... I have grown overwhelmed and frustrated that I have a life inside of me and cussed God out asking one simple question. "WHY NOW?!"

Rock bottom... that's where I hit... a darkness I'm not even sure how I got to. Resentment and anger lays deep inside me and all I want to do is scream...

I am depressed.

Honest words from an honest mommy.

Words I have refused to speak out for fear of how others would look at me.
"Your pregnant and have two beautiful boys what do you have to be depressed about?"

I. don't. know.

Honestly in a lot of ways I've asked myself that very question and gotten even more angry because I feel like a selfish horrible person.

But I'm not.

I'm depressed.

I'm not some heartless soul who doesn't care about her kids, I cry daily with the fact that I hate them seeing me so weak. .. so mean...

I'm depressed.

I don't tell this for sympathy in any way. I'm getting the help that's needed. I'm in enough of my right mind to recognize that I needed that.

I tell this story for the one reason of... you can have every happiness in the world and still struggle with something as baffling as depression.  It doesn't mean that I don't care about my husband or my kids. It means that I am hurting. And like any physical pain it's hard to see past the pain...

It's OK to hurt.
It's OK to cry.
But it's also important to see what you can handle and get help when you can't do it alone anymore.

Blessings to all.

Journey

It's been a while since I've been on here and much has happened.
First off we were blessed with the ability to announce that I am pregnant. We are hopeful for a long tried for girl to add to our boys :).

My husband was severely injured and tore everything in his knee. He had to have in depth surgery on his ACL, MCL, LCL and both meniscus. The surgery went well but the aftermath is grim for him and our family.

One moth ago I got a call from him while I was out of town informing me of the injury. So our boys and I loaded up and drove home. After taking him into the ER they made it out like a tiny tear and that he could return to work in three days but to make a follow-up appointment with our physician. 
Three days later he still couldn't walk and his physician sent him to an orthopedic specialist. Even the specialist assumed tear of the mcl and possible meniscus and ordered an MRI.
His results came back a week and a half after the injury and my husband still couldn't walk as he crutched his way into the exam room. The specialist came in and was very silent as he read the MRI.
Daniel had done a great job of staying positive during this time that he'd just need a little time to heal. Me? I guess I was a little pessimistic. ..
The doctor turned and informed us that Daniels injury was far worse than he expected and that he even had a 30% chance of amputation on an injury like his... he needed surgery and was looking at a 6 month recovery.
He was scheduled for last Friday for surgery. After surgery with two blocks and three meds in his system the staff couldn't get his pain under control. The doctor told me that he was able to do everything he was wanting but he had never in his career seen anything like it.

So now. He struggles with pain, he struggles with movement, he struggles to sleep... with that all he struggles with his attitude...

To add on top I'm unable to work cause I have to take care of him and the kids, and he is obviously unable to work. So I think that sinks in on him pretty bad. I know it does me...

Prayers are appreciated during this dark journey.  Especially for my dear husband...