Today I had to take a breath... and admit that I was wrong...
Our boys being so close in age has always been a gift and something that we saw as a silver lining in the chaos of pregnancy and an infant. All I used to ever say is
"they will be best friends growing up. They'll never be alone."
I didn't think about the fact that they are still siblings and that they are two completely different little humans. That Kyden is a vocal, outgoing, caring, (not so good at losing) overachiever. Where as Parker is more laid back, go with the flow, shy and could care less if he wins as long as the person he's playing with is happy.
You'd think that this mixture would be good no real fights is what you'd assume...
They... never... stop... fighting....
You may think I'm over reacting when I say this... if you do, I challenge you to ask one person who has been around them how they are with them. Then ask them how often I spout out with sarcastic guilt filled lines just to get them to listen to me and stop...
"Why do I speak?! I mean really nobody cares what mom says anyways!"
"No you're not sorry! If you were you would stop when I ask!"
"Omg! I give up! I don't care but if either of you comes crying to me I will NOT feel bad for you so just dont!" (That one's a lie too ha)
I think often times as a stay at home mom, I forget it's ok to walk away when I'm overwhelmed. When I've had three nights of no sleep with a sick baby, it's ok to shut her door and let her scream and take a moment so I don't "lose my mind". When my boys wont stop fighting, wont eat what I've made, and it feels like nobody hears or cares what im saying or feeling, I can walk away. By not walking away I make the wound larger and it begins to fester. Not only in myself but in my kids....
I don't want my kids to grow up in a world of guilt... I don't want them to grow up feeling like all someone has to do is guilt them and they feel obligated to do what's asked. Do they need to listen when told something? Yes, but I need to handle it more like an adult and less like a snotty 13 year old.
I love my kids. All three of them. Even when I want to pull, my hair out, or hide in the bathroom when I hear them yelling my name for the 9000th time that day, even when I sneak and hide nutella because if they knew I had it it'd be gone. Like gone gone. :) I love them not because I have to, not out of obligation and not out of guilt. I love them because they are the most wonderful things that ever happened to me they are the most wonderful gifts entrusted to me. But their lives are not mine to ruin and fill with self doubt, rejection and fear. Their lives are theirs that I was entrusted with to raise to be strong, loving, positive, crazy fabulous humans. :)
My boys fight... but one day I know, that they will be best friends and nothing will ever separate them. Not because I demanded it... because I encouraged it :)
