2015 you showed me something more

2015. What can I say about you? I really am having bittersweet emotions about you now.

You started off with a blessing of finding out I was pregnant. That was pretty amazing.

Then swiftly after gave us a trial that was extensive, intense and quite frankly. Long.
Daniel's injury followed by multiple complications with my pregnancy leading to a car accident. Making me doubt my abilities as a wife and a mother.

But in those moments you gave us the visual emotional and physical evidence of amazing friends that we have. From being blessed financially, emotionally, with food, childcare, parties to celebrate baby Kass (even though at times i struggled to celebrate my pregnancy myself), baby items, easter baskets, maternity clothes, baby clothes, items to sell in a garage sale, rides, visits, even just the willingness to want to help or even the desire if they were unable.

And for me what many of our friends gave me was space.
Thank you for that.

By August I was ready for you to leave 2015.

I felt out of place and pretty useless at 32 weeks pregnant being unable to work, or drive. Feeling overwhelmed with another litter of puppies (no more by the way, she's fixed ;))

My own insecurities caused great issues in my relationship with my husband. I was angry at you 2015...

Then came October.  I went into labor two days before my scheduled c section. And I was blessed with a beautiful gift. My baby girl.
For her I will be eternally grateful to you 2015.

You can leave now. Don't worry I will never forget you. For as many amazing moments, terrible moments and moments that you opened my eyes to the beautiful people around me. I have learned. I promise I will remember you fondly.

I do hope 2016 and I enjoy our time together more though! ;)

Was it a wasted day?

Today I had a good day with my kids. And I mean a seriously good day.

I noticed yesterday those don't happen very often...

I remember when I was younger and I told people I wanted to have all my kids before I was thirty because I wanted to be that mom that got down on the ground and made mud pies with her kids. Danced in the rain with her kids. Made cookies with her kids.

Then I became a mom...

Everything became harder than I ever expected it to. How you can go from an almost completely clean kitchen to an overwhelming disaster in a matter of an hour is beyond me. Or how no matter how many loads of laundry you do the mountain just keeps growing. And why dear God why did you bless me with a house that had white carpet. (Note that I said had).

Becoming a mom has become a lot less mothering my children and more about cleaning up after them.

My boys go out in the backyard to play and I stay in to try to tackle that unfolded pile of clothes on the love seat. Sorry boys no bike riding today. I can't go out front with you.

Yesterday I was sitting playing candy land with them and noticed myself getting frustrated with my three year old parker, for taking to long to take his turn. Didn't he know I wanted to get the living room cleaned up?
While we played I couldn't stop thinking about cleaning the living room to surprise my husband. I needed to at some point go through their clothes and get rid of the too smalls because their closet is overflowing. Those toys that are pouring out of their closet, I need to get to those too. Oh and I've been needing to bleach the shower.
I caught myself looking at my three year old utterly exasperated and saying
"if you do not sit down and play the game you will NOT BE playing the game. I have things to do son!"

Way. To. Go. Mom.

At that moment I realized that I do not devote my time with my children to them. Or even me.
I couldn't remember the last time spending time with my kids was just me spending time with them, enjoying them, playing with them...

Then I felt guilty. What happened to the fun mom from my plan. The one that wanted her children to always feel secure. The one that her kids would look back on and say my mom was the most incredible mom in the world and I knew she was always there for me.
What happened to the mom who wanted to dance in the rain with her kids or go out and get all muddy?

What happened to that mom?

She had three kids.
Three beautiful babies who deserve her attention to be 100% every now and then.
She has a house that doesn't want people to see a mess. 
She has a husband she wants to think she has it all under control.
She has children who make messes. :) that one is a real shocker.

So today I played with my kids.  We tickled and played hide and seek.  Ate chips and slim jims. And drank sweet tea.

My living room need picked up, clothes need rotated, dishes need loaded. But right now I put my kids to bed. I hear them in there giggling watching a movie and I feel peace. My house is a mess but my children are laughing :)

A completely wasted day :)
Is what most would view it.
To me?
It's one of the fullest I've had in a long time.