Thank you!

I started this blog to write down thoughts and revelations that I experience in my life. Funny stories about my children. Stories that I want to remember some days when my memory fails me.

Today as I signed in much to my absolute shock I saw that my blog was not only read by close personal friends, but by wonderful people all across the globe.

The main one that has gotten all the attention is "No my children are NOT my first priority."

The feelings of hope and joy that putting my own personal story of overcoming something out there could possibly be helping others is exploding from within me.

If even a fraction of people are blessed by my story it will all be worth it . :)

Thank you so much to all that shared.
I will forever be grateful.

Here is to many more stories of joy, excitement,  experiences and love!

Thank you!

When I grow up I want to be...

Growing up my parents told me I could be anything and anyone I ever wanted to be. Of course I was like any other kid, I wanted to be a firefighter, marine biologist, detective, a famous singer, an author and one that never wavered, a mother. 

As children we have these big dreams and as parents we want more than anything for our children to reach their dreams and so much more.

When I was 15 anytime someone asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up all I would ever say is a wife and mother.  Let's not talk about the looks I got. And often much of this...

"I meant what job do you want to have"

I realized long before that,  that I would need a job to get from point a to b, before I find my Prince charming and bring beautiful babies into the world. (Yes I have BEAUTIFUL babies) but I wasn't asked that. I was asked what I wanted to be when I grew up!

I have a reason behind this tidbit of my past.

I think that quite often as our children grow up we start thinking less about their dreams and more about their plan. 

Am I saying don't plan with your kids?  No. Of course not.  We are their parents to HELP them become successful. But more so to love them unconditionally.

My son told me today at 3 years of age he wants to be Superman.  Now hes meaning a guy that flies around in a cape and saves damsels in distress. Im aware of this. But first, I choose to let him be little.  Let him believe in super powers as long as possible.  Why not? It's his dream. 

Now he will probably outgrow superman. But if not? What can my son do in his adult years to be Superman?? 

-President of the United States
-Doctor and save lives
-Medical researcher and discover cures for diseases like AIDS, Cancer, ALS and Alzheimers.
-Firefighter save lives
-Police officer and bring justice

My baby CAN be Superman.

But want to know what else my baby could be and still be Superman?

-Factory worker
-Steel worker
-Grocery stocker
-Teacher
-Musician

No matter what road our kids choose, as long as we have raised them right and they are good people and have followed their heart and end up where THEY want to be then no matter the occupation,  my babies will grow to be...

SUPER men!

No, my children are NOT my first priority

Ok now before anyone starts getting their panties all in a bunch hear me out.
My children mean the WORLD to me!
BUT they are not my first priority.  That spot is held by one person.
My husband.
Now some of you may have your jaws on the floor in shock and absolute disagreement. But yet again I ask. Please hear me out.

The statistics today are that 50% of marriages in the U.S. end in divorce and 40% of those have children.

Think of those kids. Now I bet you alot of those parents put their children before their spouse. Cause I was one.

·Rushing a wedding because of pregnancy even if it was already being planned. You didnt get to take the time to enjoy the process or your spouse.

· Lack of communication because face it we are all to blame for allowing our kids to come up and interrupt our conversations and we allow them just to get them on their way so we can finish the conversation.

·Lack of intimate time. Its like clockwork, get those candles lit and boom someone had a bad dream or is sick or needs a diaper change. And then all thats done and you're TIRED! sorry honey not happening tonight.

Now I'm not saying anyone that has done any of these things is to blame for anything! But looking at these situations and even being in them myself has allowed me to realize a few things.

My husband kinda got the short end of the stick!

About a year ago, my husband and I were going through a rough patch. We were fighting constantly. Neither one was ever right or wrong. And even when we were just talking mid conversation I'd walk off and tend to something baby related that REALLY could have waited but I was not focused on the right things. What he was telling me was important to him and I would unintentionally act like it bored me. And of course when he'd mention it I would get defensive!  I mean how dare he think I didnt care when I was trying so hard to be the best mother to HIS children. I thought it was logical thinking at the time.

We would get that once a month night where a family member would take the boys for a couple hours for a mommy daddy date and I would no joke call every hour to make sure they were ok. While my husband sat there waiting for the 5 minute phone call to be finished.

Even when it was just me and him I wasnt making HIM feel important. 

Anytime he tried to be dad and rough house with his boys, I'd chime in that he needed to be careful. Anytime he tried to discipline, I'd correct him and tell him it was wrong. Was I the only parent? No. But I was sure making him feel that way. I had developed this need to be in control of our kids because in my head they were my job. He went to work and provided for us it was my job to raise the kids. I wasnt realizing this was driving a wedge between me and him and him and his children. He didnt know what he was "allowed" to do. Like I had given him a rule book... and in a way I had.

In trying to be the best mom ever... I was destroying my marriage and even worse my relationship with my best friend.

It took my husband reaching rock bottom in the confusion to finally say these words.

"I don't feel like I can do anything right"

Oh wow that was a smack in the face. And not by him. By me.

I had damaged my husbands self esteem! His whole self, his entire heart and soul was to provide for us and love us. And I made him feel like that wasn't enough. That THAT wasn't good enough!

Then I realized... my children will always love me. I dont have to respond in an instant to their needs in fear of them giving up on me. I don't have to "baby" them. They are loved and taken care of. And not just by me, but by their incredible father.

One of my favorite past times now is all four of us cuddling up on the couch watching a movie. Daddy getting time with his family and when the kids get up and say "mom mom mom i need...!" Its not so hard to look at them and tell them "not right now"

I didnt realize that I needed that time with him as much as he needed it with me. He is what makes me whole and when you go so long without being whole it starts to take a toll on you.

Without your spouse being your first priority... your marriage suffers... if your marriage suffers..  so do your children... its all a domino effect.

Remember that the next time they walk through the door. And the words "hi honey,  I'm glad your home. How was your day?"

Into the unknown

There are things in our lives that we are fearful of because we do not know how the outcome will be. We as humans are scared of failure more than we are of anything. Id like to share my story of when I was most fearful of failure.

Almost three years ago I was the momma of a beautiful 6 month old baby boy.

My pregnancy with him had been beautiful till the day I developed preeclampsia, ended up on bed rest and a week later had to be induced a month early.  The induction ended up turning into an emergency c section as my little ones heart rate dropped... then I had a baby the size of a baby doll.. (much smaller than he should have been at that point) he had complications and was sent to the nicu.. I wasn't able to see my baby for 15 hours...

So 6 months later standing in the bathroom looking at those two pink lines anxiety overwhelmed me...

Our first son was very much planned.
He was discussed,  budgeted for and "agreed" upon.
I had planned on nursing and unfortunately a month into his little life at only 5 lbs he had to begin supplementing.  News flash to all, diapers are expensive yes... but formula is WAY more expensive especially the kind for babies with acid reflux and sensitive tummies..

Needless to say our finances were already crunched more than expected.
"What Will Daniel say?  We'll have to get another car seat. Another crib. MORE diapers.  Possibly more formula. What if I go on bed rest again?  How am I supposed to take care of an infant while on bed rest?  How can we do this?!"

The fear filled questions were endless.

Please do not get me wrong I was excited about the life inside of me. I have always wanted a large family. Just unfortunately fear of our finances and my previous pregnancy complications caused the thoughts of failure to consume me.

I walked out of the bathroom and told my husband. And at first he couldn't believe it. I was on birth control. After a scheduled appt and a pregnancy test, proof is in the paperwork mommy and daddy. We were about to be a family of 4.

Daniel was so excited. He was nervous, sure. But he knew how much he loved our first little guy and knew he'd love this one just as much.

My husband really is incredible. :)

I struggled horribly with depression and anxiety during my second pregnancy.  I now believe it had a great deal to do with my thoughts that I wouldnt be good enough.  "I'm no super mom" I would say this and down play myself often.

The day that beautiful 7lb 2ounce baby was placed in my arms all of that vanished.  I could do this. 

The sacrifices were simple and easy.  Instead of clothes for me an outfit for each boy and an extra box of diapers made it onto the cart. Cancel out the extra junk food for the house and containers of puffs snuck into the bag (those were parkers favorite :)) sleep was broke and mommy nap times were gone cause by the time I got baby number two down baby number 1 was back up.

There were days it was overwhelming. Especially when colic was present but with the help of my wonderful husband we made it.

My boys make me smile in even the darkest of situations. They are my drive to succeed and are the reason I never give up.

I feel no regret that they are so close in age and 2 and 3 it's actually quite a bit of fun :) my only regret is that I didn't believe in our ability as parents enough.

I will never make that mistake again.