It was the last night for forever....

I come here today to talk about something dear to me and now hard on my heart. 
I have always been a nursing mother.  I came from a breastfeeding family and married into one.
So needless to say I saw no other options for myself.
When my first child was born,  he was 4 weeks early and in the nicu. Labor had been long and ended with a c section and myself highly drugged. With him being so far from me while I was confined to my bed with high blood pressure the nurses confused the situation and fed him formula.  I was unable to nurse my newborn till day 5. My milk finally dropped.  Unfortunately from that point on breastfeeding was an extremely painful process... but dear lord I was determined.  The first 2 months I would bring myself to the point of tears,  bleeding and holding my breath while nursing just to feed my baby.  By the 7th month of Kyden's life while pregnant with his little brother he decided he didn't want to do it any more.  This of course broke my heart but I was ok. I had 7 months to go before I had another baby to nurse and my lord I needed the rest before that. 
When my second son was born I had learned my lesson.  I got him the moment he was born,  nursed him. Wow it was a new feeling.  He could still be trained and so could I! Parker was a very aggressive eater but even with that it was a million times less painful than it had been with his brother. He nursed for 1 year exactly.  On the night of his first birthday I went to nurse him and he turned me down.  He was done.
It was a bit harder than with his brother because I wasn't expecting at the time so I cried... but knowing I was planning on physically having one more I got over it pretty well.
February of last year when we found out I was pregnant with Kassalynn, one of the very first things I did was get my pump out.  Nursing momma was back!
Well when Daniel got hurt and couldn't work times got a little stressful. Then I had a complicated pregnancy, totalled my car, couldn't work and couldn't drive and it got about 1000 times more complicated.
Many of you know that Daniel and I have already had long conversations about wanting to adopt a child when Kass was 5 or 6. So we were planning on stopping after her anyway. But what many don't know is that I in fact made sure of it... I had a tubal ligation following my c section. It didn't hit me even a little that I couldn't have another baby till Kass was about 5 months old.  But even then it wasn't extreme.  It didn't hit me like a mac truck till this morning. And I'll tell you why...
At Kass' 3 month appointment which was almost 4 months since she had rsv. She was way way to tiny.  She fell in the second percentile for her weight.  At only 11 lbs. The doctor looked at me and said "she's starving".
As a food source you feel like a failure.  As a mother I can't even place into words what I felt.  I felt unable to care for my child,  I felt negligent that I didn't know she was starving and felt abusive that I was starving her.  So we began supplementing with formula. 2 to 3 bottles a day.  But she still wasn't gaining like she should.
Last week I worked a LOT of hours so I wasn't home much which forced Daniel to give her formula every feeding. All the sudden my child starts getting SO heavy.  She developed rolls and stated having more energy and moving around and the doctor says "she's up to the 5th!"
Now for the Mac truck... remember that determined word? Well I was determined to at least nurse kass before bed. And this morning when I woke up in realized, I hadn't nursed her since two nights ago and my whole world crumbled on my head... I'm done. She's done. Night before last was the last night I would ever again nurse one of my children. And I feel like I missed it...
But as much as I came to the revelation that fed is best not breast is best I came to this revelation as well...
I had always been a nursing mother.  I had always been a stay at home mother.  Now I'm a working mother. And though many mothers are more than able to be both I had never had the experience just like I'd never experienced nursing before my first child. I haven't failed because I did the best I could. I may feel sad and might still feel a tad guilty but I did well.
I will miss those moments I already do. I will most likely cry some tears. I already do.
But no matter how short or how long I did it, no matter how much I supplemented. I did my best and I am still doing my best. Because my child's health is more important than my desires for just a little longer.
Today I hurt. But today I am proud.