2015 you showed me something more

2015. What can I say about you? I really am having bittersweet emotions about you now.

You started off with a blessing of finding out I was pregnant. That was pretty amazing.

Then swiftly after gave us a trial that was extensive, intense and quite frankly. Long.
Daniel's injury followed by multiple complications with my pregnancy leading to a car accident. Making me doubt my abilities as a wife and a mother.

But in those moments you gave us the visual emotional and physical evidence of amazing friends that we have. From being blessed financially, emotionally, with food, childcare, parties to celebrate baby Kass (even though at times i struggled to celebrate my pregnancy myself), baby items, easter baskets, maternity clothes, baby clothes, items to sell in a garage sale, rides, visits, even just the willingness to want to help or even the desire if they were unable.

And for me what many of our friends gave me was space.
Thank you for that.

By August I was ready for you to leave 2015.

I felt out of place and pretty useless at 32 weeks pregnant being unable to work, or drive. Feeling overwhelmed with another litter of puppies (no more by the way, she's fixed ;))

My own insecurities caused great issues in my relationship with my husband. I was angry at you 2015...

Then came October.  I went into labor two days before my scheduled c section. And I was blessed with a beautiful gift. My baby girl.
For her I will be eternally grateful to you 2015.

You can leave now. Don't worry I will never forget you. For as many amazing moments, terrible moments and moments that you opened my eyes to the beautiful people around me. I have learned. I promise I will remember you fondly.

I do hope 2016 and I enjoy our time together more though! ;)

Was it a wasted day?

Today I had a good day with my kids. And I mean a seriously good day.

I noticed yesterday those don't happen very often...

I remember when I was younger and I told people I wanted to have all my kids before I was thirty because I wanted to be that mom that got down on the ground and made mud pies with her kids. Danced in the rain with her kids. Made cookies with her kids.

Then I became a mom...

Everything became harder than I ever expected it to. How you can go from an almost completely clean kitchen to an overwhelming disaster in a matter of an hour is beyond me. Or how no matter how many loads of laundry you do the mountain just keeps growing. And why dear God why did you bless me with a house that had white carpet. (Note that I said had).

Becoming a mom has become a lot less mothering my children and more about cleaning up after them.

My boys go out in the backyard to play and I stay in to try to tackle that unfolded pile of clothes on the love seat. Sorry boys no bike riding today. I can't go out front with you.

Yesterday I was sitting playing candy land with them and noticed myself getting frustrated with my three year old parker, for taking to long to take his turn. Didn't he know I wanted to get the living room cleaned up?
While we played I couldn't stop thinking about cleaning the living room to surprise my husband. I needed to at some point go through their clothes and get rid of the too smalls because their closet is overflowing. Those toys that are pouring out of their closet, I need to get to those too. Oh and I've been needing to bleach the shower.
I caught myself looking at my three year old utterly exasperated and saying
"if you do not sit down and play the game you will NOT BE playing the game. I have things to do son!"

Way. To. Go. Mom.

At that moment I realized that I do not devote my time with my children to them. Or even me.
I couldn't remember the last time spending time with my kids was just me spending time with them, enjoying them, playing with them...

Then I felt guilty. What happened to the fun mom from my plan. The one that wanted her children to always feel secure. The one that her kids would look back on and say my mom was the most incredible mom in the world and I knew she was always there for me.
What happened to the mom who wanted to dance in the rain with her kids or go out and get all muddy?

What happened to that mom?

She had three kids.
Three beautiful babies who deserve her attention to be 100% every now and then.
She has a house that doesn't want people to see a mess. 
She has a husband she wants to think she has it all under control.
She has children who make messes. :) that one is a real shocker.

So today I played with my kids.  We tickled and played hide and seek.  Ate chips and slim jims. And drank sweet tea.

My living room need picked up, clothes need rotated, dishes need loaded. But right now I put my kids to bed. I hear them in there giggling watching a movie and I feel peace. My house is a mess but my children are laughing :)

A completely wasted day :)
Is what most would view it.
To me?
It's one of the fullest I've had in a long time.

My life

When I was a kid and I was asked what I wanted to be when I grow up I always had the same answer.
A wife and mother.
Oh the attitude and looks I would get. 
"No what do you want to be?  Dream bigger!"
Sure I would love to sing in front of millions, spend a summer in Paris, swim with whales or climb a mountain.  But although all that would be a blast none of those were bigger dreams than my husband and kids were. 
Now, did anybody tell me motherhood would be difficult?  Problems would arise, I would have sleepless nights,  I would cry,  scream and some days really need a break?
Not really.
We as women fantasize babies, wanting sweet smelling heads, tiny fingers and a sleeping bundle in your arms. We spend alot of time NOT thinking about all of the things not so fun. Poop, puke, sick days, screaming nights, tantrums, growing up... the list goes on and on.
How about marriage? Anybody warn you that the honeymoon phase doesn't last forever?
Relationships take work. Everyday you wake up and make the choice to love your spouse unconditionally. When you get married you vow to love each other through the good and bad,  sickness and health. 
I am happily married to a wonderful man and a momma to three beautiful babies. I wouldn't trade them for anything in the world. But even me, a long time dreamer of a family can get overwhelmed. Sometimes you ask the question "how would my life be different if..."
No I am not a horrible mother. No I am not resentful of my family.  Sometimes your mind just wanders to the unknown
This does not make a horrible parent.
This does not make me a horrible wife.
I love my family more than life itself and would never choose anything over them.
This year was a hard year for our family.  The hardest we have ever had.
Between my pregnancy, my husbands injury, bills piling, my accident.. I began to wonder sometimes if I was a strong enough person a GOOD enough person to hold tight and get through it. There were times I wanted to run and hide under a rock.  Ha.
But in all seriousness I did mentally start to lose it...
I felt like a horrible mother, an even worse wife and struggled with my inner being. Felt like I was lying to everyone. I wasn't ok and was faking till I made it a little to much.
Now?
I still have alot of work to do for me. I've started playing my guitar again and that right there after a 3 year break is huge. Though my fingers hate me ;)
I'm close to the close on my real estate classes and am hoping it week be a good firm of outlet as well for me. 
2015 isn't over yet and I had a baby.
She is beautiful and sweet smelling. Also she gives me sleepless night and spit up. ;)
I have 2 boys that love her to the moon and back.
I have a husband who has never been more smitten. (Not even with me ;))
Even when it's overwhelming and I'm scared, there is nothing I would change an out these 4 people in my life.

My love for my sons

To my bear and my fish...

I wish for everything in the world for you.
I want you to reach every dream you dream, have the strongest faith in yourselves, take every opportunity that you are given while taking the ones that don't even seem obvious. 

I want you to always know that even two decades younger than me, you two will forever be and have been since the day you were born, my heros.
You gave me something I had no idea I was missing, healed me from things I didn't know we're broken and continue daily to teach me things I never thought I'd need to know.
You make me smile on gloomy days and taught me to be thankful for even the most inconvenient of things.

There is nothing more in this world I consider a greater success than being your mommy.
There is nothing I could do and no amount of money I could ever make that could take away the knowledge that YOU two are my greatest accomplishments.

You two are two of the very first breaths I ever took in my life. I am blessed because God gave you to me. I am blessed because despite all my mistakes you love me unconditionally.

I am proud of the boys you are.
I am proud of the men you will be.
I love you to the moon and back.

-Mommy

Appearances can be amiss.

I grew up on a phrase.

Fake it till you make it and eventually you'll believe it yourself.

When you're sick act like you feel like a thousand dollars and at the end of the day, you'll see that you feel better than you did at the beginning.

When you're heart has been broke, laugh and you will see you won't feel so much like crying.

When you feel like a failure, ACT like nothing in this world can hold you down and at some point you'll see you can succeed even if you feel like you can't.

I have always and still do follow this pattern strictly.

I remember my husband and I had only been married about 3 or 4 months the first time he saw the fake it till you make it face. We were mid serious discussion, when my at the time 5 year old cousin walked in the room. My husband who wears his heart on his sleeve who couldn't tell you he's fine if he's not even if his life depended on it found this act to be an irritation. He didn't like that I could flip a switch and click not a soul could see anything was wrong with me.

As I got older, had kids, my husband and I had a mortgage, car payments and mouths to feed my strong fake it till you make it dependency kicked into overdrive. My acting calm cool and collected was what held my little world together.
If I'm calm, my kids don't ever have to live with a stressful environment.
If I'm calm, my husband is given an added support to his strength because I had this never faltering faith that everything always worked out if I just spoke it into existence. And he could have that knowing that I was always there backing him.
If I'm calm, nobody will ever see that I'm not really as strong as I appear.

I remember this spring when Daniel got hurt. We lost my income and quite a bit of his for quite some time. In the beginning I was able to hold my fake it till you make it "everything will work itself out" mentality. But as time continued on and things added up a bit more here and there it became a struggle.

Some days I felt like I couldn't even stay afloat inside my own body.

We would see friends, family, doctors, even random strangers who spoke to us in passing and anyone that asked how things were my immediate response belted out "we're doing great!" Big huge smile on my face.
"Daniel's doing wonderful, getting better everyday. He's doing so well at his physical therapy!"
"The boys are helping so much and they have been so helpful!"
"Baby is growing right on schedule, yes I am so excited for when she gets here."

What was really inside my head that was an itch I couldn't scratch as I was speaking?

"We're hanging on by a thread. Daniel feels helpless and is losing hope. His knee gives him so much pain and everyday he goes to bed angry that he hurts. He pushes harder than he should to get back to work faster because he's anxious about money. I feel like I can't even reach him anymore."

"The boys are trying so hard but with everything going on they aren't getting attention they need and are acting out. I don't know how to fix where I'm going wrong. There's only one of me."

"Yes this baby is coming. She was and is wanted but now the timing is so unfortunate and I don't know how to juggle everything that has to be done and pregnancy. I already feel like I'm depriving the children I have walking the planet how am I supposed to add another to the mix. They all depend on me."

"I'm not doing so well. Some days I feel like I want to pull my hair out, scream, cry, tell everyone in the world to screw themselves and leave me alone. Some days I feel like I'm not going to survive this. No I dont want to hear about how everything will get better, or how everything will work out. Right now I'm drowning and out of oxygen."

But again what's my response?
"It's going good."

Why? Because if I told my friends and family where my mind actually stood they would worry about my sanity. And I would hear more and more that all to annoying question "are you ok?"
If I told the stranger on the street they would probably run from the crazy lady with the messed up emotions.

To keep others calm I remain calm. Keeps my little world turning.

Does this make me two faced? I don't know.
Does this make me a hypocrit? I'd like to think not.
We all have a hidden being within ourselves. The being that's not held together that we never let anyone see. The one that is actually falling apart at the seams that is hidden by the reflection of the strength that is shining through.

Sometimes she does break. Sometimes she does demand an audience. Sometimes I have to listen to what she says, acknowledge that she has been heard and push her back down. She may be ratty and worn out and look twenty years older. She's the piece of me I protect. The piece of me that is fearful, vulnerable, insecure, unacceptable and tired.

We all have her. She's nothing to be ashamed of.

Week 36

Week 36 day 5....
I waddle. Alot.
My husband in his sweet loving way as I was complaining a few days back about not fitting into anything looked at me and said "well babe you're huge." Don't think he thought that one through to well. Lol instantly he tried to change how he said it.
I don't sleep to we'll these days. It's either heartburn, gotta pee, pelvis pain, gotta pee, back pain oh or I gotta pee. Not to mention the two other kiddos already occupying a room in our house.
Our 3 year old wants held all the time. "Mommy I hold you!" No kid what you don't realize is its me holding you. And your sister. And my bladder.
I have severe back pain almost all the time, and actually have been experiencing some contractions the last 4 days. Which unfortunately has made the bathroom my new favorite hangout. 
Third trimester morning sickness does in fact exist. And I happened to get the fine opportunity to learn that this pregnancy. Yay! Go me!
My c section is still 2 weeks and 4 days away.... I feel my tummy... I feel the aches, pains and I have yet to be able to grasp how that's even a possibility.  Haha.
Daddy on the pregnancy countdown?  I think he's about as ready as me. I think he's ready for a calmer wife again and maybe the option to not always have to help a turtle roll over ;) right honey?
But light is at the end of the tunnel folks!

Suicide prevention

Today September 10th is an annual day to me that strikes a nerve and i believe deserves strong recognition. Suicide prevention day.

In 2007 after a few years of struggling with depression and having a few unfortunate situations show themselves, I had developed a strong addiction to alcohol. I drank to have fun, I drank to forget, I drank to... well... drink.
It hindered my social life with friends and family, hindered my work life... basically every single aspect of my life was warped and wrapped around my life of depression.

One July day unfortunately my guilt surrounded me. I believed that I was causing pain and conflict with those around me and I needed to make everything easier on them.
That afternoon after a few shots and a handful of pills I had my mother rushing me to the hospital on the phone with my dad. I Thankfully have a dear friend that knew me well enough that he knew something was up.

The next day is the worst when you realize you were wrong. That you weren't helping anyone. You were hurting them.

My best friend in 2009 tragically took his own life. I remember being angry at him and at everything around. It took years to talk about him in a non emotional way. I remember worrying about what domino effect his death would cause. But one of the strongest memories was my 13 year old brother looking at me after the funeral and saying "promise you won't ever try to do it again."

I wish all the time myself or someone else could have seen the signs. I wish all the time that just one word would have shot through my head as a warning. That he could have been stopped the way I was.

But today is a reminder to all that mental illness no matter what it's form exists. And that suicide can in fact be prevented. Those around you do care about you whether at the moment you feel it or not.

Help is always available. Seek it out please. Nobody has to feel alone.

Failure as a concept

What exactly is failure?
Is it trying something, deciding it isn't what you expected and moving to something different?
Is it deciding your no good at it and finding something you better excel at?

I have had many "failures" in my life. Things that people have looked at and thought I am nothing but a quitter.

I have had people tell me straight to my face that I am lucky I found my husband because I wouldn't be worth anything without him. Or how about that I'm just made up of a bunch of excuses about everything.

You want to know where those excuses come from? They come from the dream that I can potentially find something that clicks within me. I only had one real dream I pursued in my life and that was to be a mother. Nothing has ever brought me such a feeling of accomplishment or satisfaction than when I look at my kiddos faces. So in fact I have succeeded at much.

In today's society it is looked down upon to be a stay at home mom. We feel the constant pressures to get a "real" job, to step up and help our families. But when we do we get condemned for putting your children in childcare. Rock=hard place, lose=lose.

The number one most hurtful comment that can be said is well your track record is long....
Unintentionally those words make you feel like a failure before you even begin to step a foot out to try.
"Why should I try? Are they right? Is this just another thing that won't amount to anything?"

You know what? I don't know...and I won't until I try. I want to make that difference in my children's lives and make then proud. I don't want them to think of mommy as a failure.

I may be a failure in anyone elses eyes. But I refuse to be in my eyes.

The only things you fail at are the things you don't try.

My future is hope

I'm pregnant with our third child. I prayed long and hard for this girl growing inside me. I was and still am more than blessed to have my boys but I always wanted bows and dresses so when my husband and I discovered we were expecting in February I had this strong sense of knowing that it was my girl.

A short month after finding out about the pregnancy, my husband suffered an accident. Surgery, therapy, shockingly fast recovery and four months later after our fair share of moments that seemed dire when we wondered what was coming next my dear husband returned to work.

As anyone who's ever been hospitalized, had surgery and been out of work knows, things pile up.

I was more than able, more than willing to return to work as well to help my husband and my family during this time.

About 2 weeks in I started experiencing some dizziness.  Sometimes severe, sometimes unnoticeable.  But pretty typically always there. But hey I'm pregnant it comes with the territory right? Ha.

Apparently not.

August 10th, I was driving home from work, apparently blacked out and in a 100 foot distance slammed into the car in front of me. Airbags deployed and I punched my windshield..

Next thing I remember is a terrified teenage kid panicking as he called 911 realizing that I was pregnant.  All I could do was feel completely horrible that this poor kid was having to go through this, how we couldn't afford this and... oh dear lord, my baby...

So many things that day I had never experienced before.  A ride in an ambulance,  airbags, punching a windshield... but none were as striking as the instant you can't recall if your kids were with you and if you had hurt any of them. Including the one inside of you.

After the long wait for the EMSA, then having to wait till the hospital to have to be all alone in a trauma room with a nurse operating a doppler they finally found her heartbeat. She had been hiding.

The irony to me that moment they found the heartbeat as I finally broke and admitted I wasn't ok was that was the first moment in 2 hours I WAS ok.

My kids were safe, all 3. I was safe and everything would be ok and be back to normal soon.

I've struggled in the last week with feeling worthless and helpless. My darling husband who gives the world to me ended up having to saddle for more than his fair share. So today I couldn't wait to get back to my normal and help him out.

When my doctor told me today that wasn't happening until after the baby is born I hit an emotional wall.
"How in the world can I have such a healthy pregnancy and still have this happen."
"WHY can't my body just cooperate!"

After apologizing a few times,  crying tears each time a new thing popped in my head that I couldn't help with and listening to my husband say over and over that I'm carrying a life and it's ok, I just got irritated...

Then I read Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.

Right now is just right now.  No matter how many curves have been thrown at me and my little family this year is only now.  I have an entire future to watch unfold before me.  Full of hope.  So what good would it do me to give up on that hope now?

I'm sorry mom's (from the pre mom me)

This is the pre mom sitting here in a mother of threes body about to apologize for every judgment I passed on all the moms out there like me.
I'm sorry to the mom I saw with the screaming kid in walmart that snapped at her kid. I'm sorry for looking at you and thinking you were being to impatient and ungrateful.
I'm sorry to the mom I saw in pajama pants with your hair in a crazy mess and two different shoes on. I'm sorry for thinking you just didn't care about how you looked and for thinking about how sorry I felt for your husband.
I'm sorry to the mom I saw with the car full of kids going through the McDonald's drive thru. I'm sorry for thinking you were to lazy to cook your kids a nutritious meal and thinking you were the reason for childhood obesity. 
I'm sorry to the mom that I saw crying leaving a department store dragging your seemingly well behaved children behind you. I'm sorry for thinking you were overreacting and being a drama queen.
I'm sorry to the mom with the three year old still in diapers. I'm sorry I sat there and thought how ridiculous it was that you didn't have the patience or dedication to potty train your children.
To every mom out there I thought negative thoughts about, to ALL moms.
I'M SO SORRY!!!!!!!
I didn't realize that whenever you snapped your patience had worked a bit to thin and you had most likely been put through the wringer that day by your kids.
Or that to you going to the grocery store in the hour you had by yourself was far more important than taking the time to put on make up and fix your hair.
I had no idea that when your running late and your doing everything in your power to have your kids on time how easy it was to not realize that you slipped two completely different shoes on your feet (heck I've even forgotten mine all together a few times).
I didn't realize that some days (most even though you pushed through) you just did not have the time or energy to cook that we'll rounded meal and your kids had already had mac and cheese twice that week. So nuggets were a relief to you AND your kids.
I didn't realize that when moms finally hit the tears point of overwhelmed that it's like this switch goes off in kids that make them all the sudden realize that you are serious and they try to retract everything before you get home and they were probably being royals in that store... not to mention no matter what that trip you had people staring and judging you.
I didn't realize that when you work full time and have your kids in daycare that they typically don't work well with you and encourage your child to go on the potty so you take 3 steps forward over the weekend and by Tuesday you've taken ten back...
I'm sorry that I was judgemental and not compassionate to you.
I'm sorry I looked at you in disgust instead of offering you that smile that might have given you the much needed it's ok. It's all going to be ok.
Please know although it is late it's better than never.  I respect you all for what you do. I appreciate you daily for putting every small bit of yourself into your children. And my children will appreciate you someday too.

Maybe it's just me, or baby number 3...

Monlux home/baby update. 

Well daddy started back to work two weeks ago. He's on light duty for another the weeks till the doctor sees if his knee is all lined up.  It still causes him some discomfort but he for some reason finds his narly 6 inch long scar to be fabulous ;)

We financially have definitely seen better days. I started a full time job a couple weeks ago and at 8 months pregnant all that you can really nail down is retail. Most days that's tough, especially pushing through to prove you were in fact worth the hire and the paycheck. But I'm surviving. Days that we are all together (and everyone is in good moods haha) I get to look at my husband and know he has a healthy knee and that my boys are fed. At least when I look back someday I can feel victorious that I held on and fought through for my family. Boom! Preggo momma win!
😄

Now on to baby monlux.
I am 2 days from the 29 week mark and let me tell you wow this girl is 100,000 times more intense than my boys were! Some say it's because it's a girl,  some say is because it's my third pregnancy, some say it's because I'm *cough* older.
Well whatever the reason she wore me or a long time ago!
Week 28 hit and I officially hit the good ol' turtle mode.  You mommas know what I mean.  When you have next to no abdominal abilities left due to this large mountain and you lay on your back and can't can't get back up.  Oh my goodness I'm not sure which is more humiliating my husband trying to hide his laugh,  or him having to help me up!
I have been experiencing pelvic rest the last couple of weeks and oh. My. Goodness. I can't say I have ever experienced the daily pain you feel from that.  Mornings are definitely the worst.  When you wake up and you convince yourself you did 1,000 squats last night and now your joints hate you.  Keeps you from growling at the baby at least :).
One beautiful part of week 28 is, she became far more active and my 2 year old was finally able to feel his little sister kick.  He now likes to sit by me on the couch with his little hand on my tummy waiting and when she kicks he looks at me, giggles and says "dats my sisser!"
My 4 year old has been trying but she's been extremely ornery with him and has refused so far to let him feel her.  She will by kicking a storm he gets to me and she stops! I traded my husband lady night that this is the one time in my life I will ever hear my son say "Kassalynn! Come on! Kick me!" 😆

So that's the update.  Thanks again for all your thoughts and prayers! 
Until next time!

I choose to love, love.

Today while in service our pastor said something so profound I as a Christian felt the need to share it with my friends and family. I don't know who of you believe in gay marriages or not but instead of judging think of this.

"I don't understand it. It's not in my almost 60 year old way of life. But I know many God loving people that are gay. And when the bill was passed I saw on television two 80 year old men weeping. They had lived together for 50 years and were overjoyed to finally be seen as accepted. Now when I was a young minister back in the 60's it was rare to see a couple live together before marriage but today I see many of them stay together, make families, and love. So I stop judging. God didn't create me to be the giver of judgment. He created me to love. And to love love. I love love, I love commitment, I love faith. So don't over think it. Today I choose to love love no matter what shape it takes. Just love and let God take care of anything else. The doors to the church are open."

This was beautiful to me. For many reasons. But my main reason is this. I have friends that have a different orientation than myself. Whom I have and always will love. They love me the SAME. Nothing about the way they love has ever seemed fake or lesser to my way of love. As a Christian unfortunately a lot of times we make judgements on how we are SUPPOSED to feel. Even if it's never said outside you struggle between the two. Love and judgement.
I choose today to love love. Unconditionally.

It's ok...

Today I hit an all time low.

For over a month I've worked to stay positive,  patient, tolerant, loving, understanding. Heck I've put every waking moment into just being quiet.

Don't say the wrong thing, don't make anyone mad, keep everyone from yelling. Oh gosh my head hurts...

In trying so hard to hold everything else together I forgot to hold myself together. And today... that fact showed it's ugly teeth...

I hit breaking point.

Now I thought I already had weeks ago when I'd call my aunt crying, getting in the car and bawling my eyes out in the few moments I had to myself to hide away...

I was SO wrong...

Breaking point isn't when you can hold it together in front of people slap on that cheerful positive "face" and keep moving...
It's when you can't cover it up anymore, where you don't want to move, don't want to feel, don't want to listen to anyone.

Today, I shut down. I screamed, I cried, I for the first time in my life as a mommy looked at my big eyed boys who were all over me trying to comfort me and yelled at them to just leave alone.... I have grown overwhelmed and frustrated that I have a life inside of me and cussed God out asking one simple question. "WHY NOW?!"

Rock bottom... that's where I hit... a darkness I'm not even sure how I got to. Resentment and anger lays deep inside me and all I want to do is scream...

I am depressed.

Honest words from an honest mommy.

Words I have refused to speak out for fear of how others would look at me.
"Your pregnant and have two beautiful boys what do you have to be depressed about?"

I. don't. know.

Honestly in a lot of ways I've asked myself that very question and gotten even more angry because I feel like a selfish horrible person.

But I'm not.

I'm depressed.

I'm not some heartless soul who doesn't care about her kids, I cry daily with the fact that I hate them seeing me so weak. .. so mean...

I'm depressed.

I don't tell this for sympathy in any way. I'm getting the help that's needed. I'm in enough of my right mind to recognize that I needed that.

I tell this story for the one reason of... you can have every happiness in the world and still struggle with something as baffling as depression.  It doesn't mean that I don't care about my husband or my kids. It means that I am hurting. And like any physical pain it's hard to see past the pain...

It's OK to hurt.
It's OK to cry.
But it's also important to see what you can handle and get help when you can't do it alone anymore.

Blessings to all.

Journey

It's been a while since I've been on here and much has happened.
First off we were blessed with the ability to announce that I am pregnant. We are hopeful for a long tried for girl to add to our boys :).

My husband was severely injured and tore everything in his knee. He had to have in depth surgery on his ACL, MCL, LCL and both meniscus. The surgery went well but the aftermath is grim for him and our family.

One moth ago I got a call from him while I was out of town informing me of the injury. So our boys and I loaded up and drove home. After taking him into the ER they made it out like a tiny tear and that he could return to work in three days but to make a follow-up appointment with our physician. 
Three days later he still couldn't walk and his physician sent him to an orthopedic specialist. Even the specialist assumed tear of the mcl and possible meniscus and ordered an MRI.
His results came back a week and a half after the injury and my husband still couldn't walk as he crutched his way into the exam room. The specialist came in and was very silent as he read the MRI.
Daniel had done a great job of staying positive during this time that he'd just need a little time to heal. Me? I guess I was a little pessimistic. ..
The doctor turned and informed us that Daniels injury was far worse than he expected and that he even had a 30% chance of amputation on an injury like his... he needed surgery and was looking at a 6 month recovery.
He was scheduled for last Friday for surgery. After surgery with two blocks and three meds in his system the staff couldn't get his pain under control. The doctor told me that he was able to do everything he was wanting but he had never in his career seen anything like it.

So now. He struggles with pain, he struggles with movement, he struggles to sleep... with that all he struggles with his attitude...

To add on top I'm unable to work cause I have to take care of him and the kids, and he is obviously unable to work. So I think that sinks in on him pretty bad. I know it does me...

Prayers are appreciated during this dark journey.  Especially for my dear husband...

from that first moment

so any of you moms out there, or soon to be moms will be able to relate with this.

Remember all the times you heard, "get sleep in now, as soon as the baby gets here that won't ever happen again."

or how about this one.

"When you have kids your body will never be the same. You'll never put on a bikini again."

or this one...

"you will never feel more pain than when having a baby. It's excruciating, exhausting and you will want to hold in your pee for a week."

lets not talk about the million and one things I was told could go wrong.

well... Thanks guys! You were right about most of that... Thanks for the heads up!

Not..

I was induced with my first guy and went through 14 hours of labor before being taken in for an emergency c section.

yeah moms those hurt a bit too..

but I not here to tell anyone the negatives I was pumped full of before my first go at childbirth. I want to tell you the things that I wasn't told.

like for example, that for that first moment you hold your baby, the pain just goes away..
joy consumes you to the point of actual tears. No in all the movies they are not crying out of pain they are crying out of complete pride, love and adoration. that's something the movies got right!

or how about looking over at daddy passed out in the chair holding his newborn child. And you didn't think you could ever love him more! Leave it to the baby to already start proving you wrong :)

or the first time you change a diaper and inevitably get pee on you. Gross? No hysterical. And your very first blackmail story!

Now lets head home.

first night all on your own and the baby wakes up. You go in and get to pick up this more than perfect piece of you and smell the goodness. What does goodness smell like? My only comparison to the wonderful smell of my very own newborn would be for me the smell of the ocean and strawberries. It's that good haha.

you won't want to be the same person. Because you have this being that you want to be the best and do the best for. And snuggling to watch a movie at 7pm is so much more fun that going out dancing. The company is so much better too!

You get kisses, hugs and mommy I love yous.
gorgeous PRICELESS works of art covering your refrigerator.
the opportunity to watch this being that came from you grow into a kind, generous and loving person.

these aren't things anyone told me.

They also never told me that you honestly forget what the pain felt like. ;)

ignore the fear and the anxiety leading up to the moment you have waited for because I can promise you that it's a waste of time. Because that moment. That first moment that you look into the eyes of a little one that has known you since the moment of their creation... It will not matter... They will be all that matter.

little whispers

I have the proud position of being a mommy to two incredible sweet boys. They are both equally sweet and unique in their own ways.
Kyden though the last few months has learned the art of compliments. At 3 1/2 he's learned the way into many hearts with his exclamation of beauty.
It warms my heart.
tonight as I was putting my guy to bed I bent down for our nightly kids and he puts his arms around me and softly whispers in my ear
"you are beautiful mommy. You are my beautiful mommy."
it struck me in my heart. I like many women in this world struggle with myself. I nitpick about the things about myself that I'm not a fan of. And lately I've noticed myself doing it even in front of my boys...
I poke at my stretch marks and mutter a blech as I get ready for work never putting into my mind what they stand for.
they stand for the two beautiful treasures I have the privilege of tucking into bed each night. They stand for the two outstanding pieces of art that find me to be the most beautiful.
I am fearfully and wonderfully made and my child reminded me of that. I am proud of every scar and blemish because it gives me a daily reminder that I am mommy. That I was strong enough to become mommy.
and mostly, that my kids love their mommy regardless of any imperfections I may see.
just as I will always love then despite any imperfections of their own.
sometimes its the littlest message from the littlest mouth that gives us the biggest reminders. 😏