When I was a kid and I was asked what I wanted to be when I grow up I always had the same answer.
A wife and mother.
Oh the attitude and looks I would get.
"No what do you want to be? Dream bigger!"
Sure I would love to sing in front of millions, spend a summer in Paris, swim with whales or climb a mountain. But although all that would be a blast none of those were bigger dreams than my husband and kids were.
Now, did anybody tell me motherhood would be difficult? Problems would arise, I would have sleepless nights, I would cry, scream and some days really need a break?
Not really.
We as women fantasize babies, wanting sweet smelling heads, tiny fingers and a sleeping bundle in your arms. We spend alot of time NOT thinking about all of the things not so fun. Poop, puke, sick days, screaming nights, tantrums, growing up... the list goes on and on.
How about marriage? Anybody warn you that the honeymoon phase doesn't last forever?
Relationships take work. Everyday you wake up and make the choice to love your spouse unconditionally. When you get married you vow to love each other through the good and bad, sickness and health.
I am happily married to a wonderful man and a momma to three beautiful babies. I wouldn't trade them for anything in the world. But even me, a long time dreamer of a family can get overwhelmed. Sometimes you ask the question "how would my life be different if..."
No I am not a horrible mother. No I am not resentful of my family. Sometimes your mind just wanders to the unknown
This does not make a horrible parent.
This does not make me a horrible wife.
I love my family more than life itself and would never choose anything over them.
This year was a hard year for our family. The hardest we have ever had.
Between my pregnancy, my husbands injury, bills piling, my accident.. I began to wonder sometimes if I was a strong enough person a GOOD enough person to hold tight and get through it. There were times I wanted to run and hide under a rock. Ha.
But in all seriousness I did mentally start to lose it...
I felt like a horrible mother, an even worse wife and struggled with my inner being. Felt like I was lying to everyone. I wasn't ok and was faking till I made it a little to much.
Now?
I still have alot of work to do for me. I've started playing my guitar again and that right there after a 3 year break is huge. Though my fingers hate me ;)
I'm close to the close on my real estate classes and am hoping it week be a good firm of outlet as well for me.
2015 isn't over yet and I had a baby.
She is beautiful and sweet smelling. Also she gives me sleepless night and spit up. ;)
I have 2 boys that love her to the moon and back.
I have a husband who has never been more smitten. (Not even with me ;))
Even when it's overwhelming and I'm scared, there is nothing I would change an out these 4 people in my life.
