It's ok...

Today I hit an all time low.

For over a month I've worked to stay positive,  patient, tolerant, loving, understanding. Heck I've put every waking moment into just being quiet.

Don't say the wrong thing, don't make anyone mad, keep everyone from yelling. Oh gosh my head hurts...

In trying so hard to hold everything else together I forgot to hold myself together. And today... that fact showed it's ugly teeth...

I hit breaking point.

Now I thought I already had weeks ago when I'd call my aunt crying, getting in the car and bawling my eyes out in the few moments I had to myself to hide away...

I was SO wrong...

Breaking point isn't when you can hold it together in front of people slap on that cheerful positive "face" and keep moving...
It's when you can't cover it up anymore, where you don't want to move, don't want to feel, don't want to listen to anyone.

Today, I shut down. I screamed, I cried, I for the first time in my life as a mommy looked at my big eyed boys who were all over me trying to comfort me and yelled at them to just leave alone.... I have grown overwhelmed and frustrated that I have a life inside of me and cussed God out asking one simple question. "WHY NOW?!"

Rock bottom... that's where I hit... a darkness I'm not even sure how I got to. Resentment and anger lays deep inside me and all I want to do is scream...

I am depressed.

Honest words from an honest mommy.

Words I have refused to speak out for fear of how others would look at me.
"Your pregnant and have two beautiful boys what do you have to be depressed about?"

I. don't. know.

Honestly in a lot of ways I've asked myself that very question and gotten even more angry because I feel like a selfish horrible person.

But I'm not.

I'm depressed.

I'm not some heartless soul who doesn't care about her kids, I cry daily with the fact that I hate them seeing me so weak. .. so mean...

I'm depressed.

I don't tell this for sympathy in any way. I'm getting the help that's needed. I'm in enough of my right mind to recognize that I needed that.

I tell this story for the one reason of... you can have every happiness in the world and still struggle with something as baffling as depression.  It doesn't mean that I don't care about my husband or my kids. It means that I am hurting. And like any physical pain it's hard to see past the pain...

It's OK to hurt.
It's OK to cry.
But it's also important to see what you can handle and get help when you can't do it alone anymore.

Blessings to all.