Ok now before anyone starts getting their panties all in a bunch hear me out.
My children mean the WORLD to me!
BUT they are not my first priority. That spot is held by one person.
My husband.
Now some of you may have your jaws on the floor in shock and absolute disagreement. But yet again I ask. Please hear me out.
The statistics today are that 50% of marriages in the U.S. end in divorce and 40% of those have children.
Think of those kids. Now I bet you alot of those parents put their children before their spouse. Cause I was one.
·Rushing a wedding because of pregnancy even if it was already being planned. You didnt get to take the time to enjoy the process or your spouse.
· Lack of communication because face it we are all to blame for allowing our kids to come up and interrupt our conversations and we allow them just to get them on their way so we can finish the conversation.
·Lack of intimate time. Its like clockwork, get those candles lit and boom someone had a bad dream or is sick or needs a diaper change. And then all thats done and you're TIRED! sorry honey not happening tonight.
Now I'm not saying anyone that has done any of these things is to blame for anything! But looking at these situations and even being in them myself has allowed me to realize a few things.
My husband kinda got the short end of the stick!
About a year ago, my husband and I were going through a rough patch. We were fighting constantly. Neither one was ever right or wrong. And even when we were just talking mid conversation I'd walk off and tend to something baby related that REALLY could have waited but I was not focused on the right things. What he was telling me was important to him and I would unintentionally act like it bored me. And of course when he'd mention it I would get defensive! I mean how dare he think I didnt care when I was trying so hard to be the best mother to HIS children. I thought it was logical thinking at the time.
We would get that once a month night where a family member would take the boys for a couple hours for a mommy daddy date and I would no joke call every hour to make sure they were ok. While my husband sat there waiting for the 5 minute phone call to be finished.
Even when it was just me and him I wasnt making HIM feel important.
Anytime he tried to be dad and rough house with his boys, I'd chime in that he needed to be careful. Anytime he tried to discipline, I'd correct him and tell him it was wrong. Was I the only parent? No. But I was sure making him feel that way. I had developed this need to be in control of our kids because in my head they were my job. He went to work and provided for us it was my job to raise the kids. I wasnt realizing this was driving a wedge between me and him and him and his children. He didnt know what he was "allowed" to do. Like I had given him a rule book... and in a way I had.
In trying to be the best mom ever... I was destroying my marriage and even worse my relationship with my best friend.
It took my husband reaching rock bottom in the confusion to finally say these words.
"I don't feel like I can do anything right"
Oh wow that was a smack in the face. And not by him. By me.
I had damaged my husbands self esteem! His whole self, his entire heart and soul was to provide for us and love us. And I made him feel like that wasn't enough. That THAT wasn't good enough!
Then I realized... my children will always love me. I dont have to respond in an instant to their needs in fear of them giving up on me. I don't have to "baby" them. They are loved and taken care of. And not just by me, but by their incredible father.
One of my favorite past times now is all four of us cuddling up on the couch watching a movie. Daddy getting time with his family and when the kids get up and say "mom mom mom i need...!" Its not so hard to look at them and tell them "not right now"
I didnt realize that I needed that time with him as much as he needed it with me. He is what makes me whole and when you go so long without being whole it starts to take a toll on you.
Without your spouse being your first priority... your marriage suffers... if your marriage suffers.. so do your children... its all a domino effect.
Remember that the next time they walk through the door. And the words "hi honey, I'm glad your home. How was your day?"
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