Into the unknown

There are things in our lives that we are fearful of because we do not know how the outcome will be. We as humans are scared of failure more than we are of anything. Id like to share my story of when I was most fearful of failure.

Almost three years ago I was the momma of a beautiful 6 month old baby boy.

My pregnancy with him had been beautiful till the day I developed preeclampsia, ended up on bed rest and a week later had to be induced a month early.  The induction ended up turning into an emergency c section as my little ones heart rate dropped... then I had a baby the size of a baby doll.. (much smaller than he should have been at that point) he had complications and was sent to the nicu.. I wasn't able to see my baby for 15 hours...

So 6 months later standing in the bathroom looking at those two pink lines anxiety overwhelmed me...

Our first son was very much planned.
He was discussed,  budgeted for and "agreed" upon.
I had planned on nursing and unfortunately a month into his little life at only 5 lbs he had to begin supplementing.  News flash to all, diapers are expensive yes... but formula is WAY more expensive especially the kind for babies with acid reflux and sensitive tummies..

Needless to say our finances were already crunched more than expected.
"What Will Daniel say?  We'll have to get another car seat. Another crib. MORE diapers.  Possibly more formula. What if I go on bed rest again?  How am I supposed to take care of an infant while on bed rest?  How can we do this?!"

The fear filled questions were endless.

Please do not get me wrong I was excited about the life inside of me. I have always wanted a large family. Just unfortunately fear of our finances and my previous pregnancy complications caused the thoughts of failure to consume me.

I walked out of the bathroom and told my husband. And at first he couldn't believe it. I was on birth control. After a scheduled appt and a pregnancy test, proof is in the paperwork mommy and daddy. We were about to be a family of 4.

Daniel was so excited. He was nervous, sure. But he knew how much he loved our first little guy and knew he'd love this one just as much.

My husband really is incredible. :)

I struggled horribly with depression and anxiety during my second pregnancy.  I now believe it had a great deal to do with my thoughts that I wouldnt be good enough.  "I'm no super mom" I would say this and down play myself often.

The day that beautiful 7lb 2ounce baby was placed in my arms all of that vanished.  I could do this. 

The sacrifices were simple and easy.  Instead of clothes for me an outfit for each boy and an extra box of diapers made it onto the cart. Cancel out the extra junk food for the house and containers of puffs snuck into the bag (those were parkers favorite :)) sleep was broke and mommy nap times were gone cause by the time I got baby number two down baby number 1 was back up.

There were days it was overwhelming. Especially when colic was present but with the help of my wonderful husband we made it.

My boys make me smile in even the darkest of situations. They are my drive to succeed and are the reason I never give up.

I feel no regret that they are so close in age and 2 and 3 it's actually quite a bit of fun :) my only regret is that I didn't believe in our ability as parents enough.

I will never make that mistake again.