I'm pregnant with our third child. I prayed long and hard for this girl growing inside me. I was and still am more than blessed to have my boys but I always wanted bows and dresses so when my husband and I discovered we were expecting in February I had this strong sense of knowing that it was my girl.
A short month after finding out about the pregnancy, my husband suffered an accident. Surgery, therapy, shockingly fast recovery and four months later after our fair share of moments that seemed dire when we wondered what was coming next my dear husband returned to work.
As anyone who's ever been hospitalized, had surgery and been out of work knows, things pile up.
I was more than able, more than willing to return to work as well to help my husband and my family during this time.
About 2 weeks in I started experiencing some dizziness. Sometimes severe, sometimes unnoticeable. But pretty typically always there. But hey I'm pregnant it comes with the territory right? Ha.
Apparently not.
August 10th, I was driving home from work, apparently blacked out and in a 100 foot distance slammed into the car in front of me. Airbags deployed and I punched my windshield..
Next thing I remember is a terrified teenage kid panicking as he called 911 realizing that I was pregnant. All I could do was feel completely horrible that this poor kid was having to go through this, how we couldn't afford this and... oh dear lord, my baby...
So many things that day I had never experienced before. A ride in an ambulance, airbags, punching a windshield... but none were as striking as the instant you can't recall if your kids were with you and if you had hurt any of them. Including the one inside of you.
After the long wait for the EMSA, then having to wait till the hospital to have to be all alone in a trauma room with a nurse operating a doppler they finally found her heartbeat. She had been hiding.
The irony to me that moment they found the heartbeat as I finally broke and admitted I wasn't ok was that was the first moment in 2 hours I WAS ok.
My kids were safe, all 3. I was safe and everything would be ok and be back to normal soon.
I've struggled in the last week with feeling worthless and helpless. My darling husband who gives the world to me ended up having to saddle for more than his fair share. So today I couldn't wait to get back to my normal and help him out.
When my doctor told me today that wasn't happening until after the baby is born I hit an emotional wall.
"How in the world can I have such a healthy pregnancy and still have this happen."
"WHY can't my body just cooperate!"
After apologizing a few times, crying tears each time a new thing popped in my head that I couldn't help with and listening to my husband say over and over that I'm carrying a life and it's ok, I just got irritated...
Then I read Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.
Right now is just right now. No matter how many curves have been thrown at me and my little family this year is only now. I have an entire future to watch unfold before me. Full of hope. So what good would it do me to give up on that hope now?
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