You are not alone...

I was first diagnosed with Bipolar when I was 17 years old... very few are actually aware of this because... well.. the answer is easy... I didn't tell anyone.

It was bad enough that I had struggled with "depression and ADD" since I was 11 and been medicated since 15 when I had my first thoughts of suicide...

I was a girl, that was embarrassed and often used the excuse "I dont want to use a pill to be happy! If I'm not happy in my own I'm not supposed to be!"

My poor parents.. to have to watch their child self sabotage and dig deeper into a hole where she couldn't breathe... the strength these two people I proudly call mine had... I will never understand...

My dad bargained with me through high school to take my pills which often?... ended up in the back of my nightstand drawer... poor guy didn't even know till I was 19.

So when I was diagnosed with Bipolar and anxiety disorder I said screw that. Now dont get me wrong I had a fabulous Psychiatrist who tried to explain that it wasnt like in the movies or how Hollywood has portrayed it which in turn has caused alot of negativity with it's mention...

"She's bipolar??? Oh God.." people automatically think its black and white to set you off. 

I was included in this group of thinkers.

I imagined a stringy haired horror movie character rocking back and forth and going from screaming to laughing. I think every teenager in existence makes crazy jokes like this. I was included...

Number one -
I am not Bipolar... I HAVE Bipolar.
This one took me years to grasp. 

That it was not a character flaw or a defect in my very self. 

It's like having a cold. Would you say I'm a cold? No you would say I have a cold.
It is an illness, nothing more. Nothing less
Just like any long term illness you cant cure it, but you can treat it.

Number two -
I am not crazy. Growing up I stated that I didn't have Bipolar because I didn't want people to look at me like I was crazy.
*Again with the horror movies and Hollywood portrayals*
It took only a few months shy of my 30's for me to accept...
I AM NOT CRAZY!!!!

I feel things stronger, more intense and often it can be way too heavy of a feeling... that does not make me crazy, it makes me passionate

I have days I feel fear for no apparent reason, with this cloud of impending doom over my head... that does not make me crazy, it makes me cautious.
Do I have ups and downs that alot of people dont have? Sure. Absolutely.  You bet.... that does not make me crazy, that makes me ridiculously unique.

When I was diagnosed, I tried mood stabilizers and at 17... I hated that it took the mania away from me... not recognizing that the mania was what was creating most of my problems...

When I was manic...

I was on top of the world.
There was nothing I couldn't do. (I had a feeling of being invincible. During this time, I did alot of drinking) drinking, drugs (my choice was pills) and acting out sexually are common during manic stages. This actually wasnt explained to me until I was 28.
I had zero fear of any situations.
I was a habitual liar.
I didn't care who I hurt during my "binge"
I was insanely self absorbed
I self sabotaged
I had zero care for my own life or others
If anyone expressed upset I would either laugh or turn the upset to rage directed at them instead...
I would do things with no thoughts to the consequences later on...

And then... inevitably... when the mania ends... and it always ends... whether it be 2 hours, 2 weeks or two months later you fall.... and the pit i fell into was so deep that I couldn't even see daylight...

I felt worthless.
I felt like there is nothing i could do..  I screw up everything...
I felt scared. All the time.
I hid from everyone around you, either from not remembering how horribly I treated them or beyond embarrassed for how horribly I treated them.
I set out with a completely different form of self sabotage..

I had a different form of not caring about my life.
My rage was now directed at me and how I felt about myself wasnt fair.
And sadly.. due to all of the things that had bore no consequences for that time had all piled up and I felt 500,000 times worse for them.

When that crash, that so many people I know understand hits you, you cant function. 

You cant breathe. 

You cant live...

It took 13 years, 3 kids and 2 suicide attempts for me to finally understand that... although the mania is bomb, and it is exciting and takes all inhibitions away from your heart and makes you feel so free.. It really didn't... 

I was slave to the mania... and worse?... 

I was the slave to the spiral into the darkness that followed...

Being medicated - 

Is my life quite as "exciting" as it is when I'm unmedicated?
Probably not.

Do I get quite as excited over silly little things like I used to?
No not really.

Am I as ridiculously outgoing as I used to be where I knew no stranger and would for real invite strangers into my car or over to my house?
Not at all.

But am I happy?
Yes.

Am I stable?
Yes.

Am I myself?
For the first time ever...
Yes.

I survived the storm. And every day I am still surviving...

When you feel all alone, know that you're not... know that you have support... even if its here at diaryofdepressedhousewife.

“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.” ~ Haruki Murakami