I am not a failing mother

My family was invited to church this morning by someone in my adult life that has become my friend but while growing up she was just as much a mother to me as she was her own child. She saw me at my best,  sadly sometimes at my worst,  always told me the truth without holding back but always in love without intention to cause pain. And just like a mother she always had an intuition and even when I didn't know it she was always there just when I needed her to be or just in some small act made me feel less alone. As always her intuition could not have been better. The timing for this service couldn't have been more spot on.

The service was a pretty intense one for me in my personal state. Every single bit from the comedy to the nitty gritty I heard myself speaking the words within my own heart...
The main part that really effected me was comparing myself to other moms... I have done this for as long as I can even remember and honestly I think I may have done that since prenatal stages with Kyden...

This mom fed her kid healthy.
My kids? Ramen, spaghetti-os and frozen corn dogs a couple times a week. 
This mom has a bin of age appropriate games all set up and her kids are never idol.
My kids were lucky if I didn't stick in a video game just to get them to leave me alone for 20 minutes and stop asking the same question over.. and over..
This mom always had a clean house.
Mine? Yeah freaking right. Conversation ended.
This mom limited TV time to 30 minutes a day as to not rot her kids brains.
My kids brains are probably goo at this point...

I don't just compare myself to every mom out there.. I compared myself to every thing from every mom at the same time... I was failing.  Horribly. 

My kids throw fits.
My kids argue.
My kids hate brushing their teeth.
My oldest can't tie his shoes yet.
Getting them to brush their teeth is like pulling them.
Sometimes I lie and say I'm going to the bathroom just so I can lock the door and sit there and try not to think about how absolutely, I'm screwing them up because I'm not parenting right.

Just two weeks ago I about had a break down while yelling and crying in Daniel's direction about never going to be that mom... *seriously the timing was amazing* so when I heard... with my own ears... that other moms feel the same way I decided to admit, outside my own home that I feel it but not expecting much to change within myself.

Then this mom... this friend held my hand and for some reason I broke inside...

I broke for feeling like a failure.
I broke for feeling like I was worthless.
I broke for feeling like I was incapable.
I broke for holding onto it for as long as I have.
I broke for feeling so alone in feeling it...

I cried like a big ol baby till I had no tears left to cry which was crazy because if you know me,
A. I HATE crying in front of people *I'm and ugly crier haha*
B. It came from nowhere and I wasnt expecting it!

When I was done I felt like a completely different person. I felt.... more joyful...

For the first time celebrating a mothers day I fully embraced my children's childlike views of myself, and I TRULY enjoyed myself and my family's company in celebration of me without feeling embarrassed or ashamed.

Psalm 34:18
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.