I'm sorry mom's (from the pre mom me)

This is the pre mom sitting here in a mother of threes body about to apologize for every judgment I passed on all the moms out there like me.
I'm sorry to the mom I saw with the screaming kid in walmart that snapped at her kid. I'm sorry for looking at you and thinking you were being to impatient and ungrateful.
I'm sorry to the mom I saw in pajama pants with your hair in a crazy mess and two different shoes on. I'm sorry for thinking you just didn't care about how you looked and for thinking about how sorry I felt for your husband.
I'm sorry to the mom I saw with the car full of kids going through the McDonald's drive thru. I'm sorry for thinking you were to lazy to cook your kids a nutritious meal and thinking you were the reason for childhood obesity. 
I'm sorry to the mom that I saw crying leaving a department store dragging your seemingly well behaved children behind you. I'm sorry for thinking you were overreacting and being a drama queen.
I'm sorry to the mom with the three year old still in diapers. I'm sorry I sat there and thought how ridiculous it was that you didn't have the patience or dedication to potty train your children.
To every mom out there I thought negative thoughts about, to ALL moms.
I'M SO SORRY!!!!!!!
I didn't realize that whenever you snapped your patience had worked a bit to thin and you had most likely been put through the wringer that day by your kids.
Or that to you going to the grocery store in the hour you had by yourself was far more important than taking the time to put on make up and fix your hair.
I had no idea that when your running late and your doing everything in your power to have your kids on time how easy it was to not realize that you slipped two completely different shoes on your feet (heck I've even forgotten mine all together a few times).
I didn't realize that some days (most even though you pushed through) you just did not have the time or energy to cook that we'll rounded meal and your kids had already had mac and cheese twice that week. So nuggets were a relief to you AND your kids.
I didn't realize that when moms finally hit the tears point of overwhelmed that it's like this switch goes off in kids that make them all the sudden realize that you are serious and they try to retract everything before you get home and they were probably being royals in that store... not to mention no matter what that trip you had people staring and judging you.
I didn't realize that when you work full time and have your kids in daycare that they typically don't work well with you and encourage your child to go on the potty so you take 3 steps forward over the weekend and by Tuesday you've taken ten back...
I'm sorry that I was judgemental and not compassionate to you.
I'm sorry I looked at you in disgust instead of offering you that smile that might have given you the much needed it's ok. It's all going to be ok.
Please know although it is late it's better than never.  I respect you all for what you do. I appreciate you daily for putting every small bit of yourself into your children. And my children will appreciate you someday too.

Maybe it's just me, or baby number 3...

Monlux home/baby update. 

Well daddy started back to work two weeks ago. He's on light duty for another the weeks till the doctor sees if his knee is all lined up.  It still causes him some discomfort but he for some reason finds his narly 6 inch long scar to be fabulous ;)

We financially have definitely seen better days. I started a full time job a couple weeks ago and at 8 months pregnant all that you can really nail down is retail. Most days that's tough, especially pushing through to prove you were in fact worth the hire and the paycheck. But I'm surviving. Days that we are all together (and everyone is in good moods haha) I get to look at my husband and know he has a healthy knee and that my boys are fed. At least when I look back someday I can feel victorious that I held on and fought through for my family. Boom! Preggo momma win!
😄

Now on to baby monlux.
I am 2 days from the 29 week mark and let me tell you wow this girl is 100,000 times more intense than my boys were! Some say it's because it's a girl,  some say is because it's my third pregnancy, some say it's because I'm *cough* older.
Well whatever the reason she wore me or a long time ago!
Week 28 hit and I officially hit the good ol' turtle mode.  You mommas know what I mean.  When you have next to no abdominal abilities left due to this large mountain and you lay on your back and can't can't get back up.  Oh my goodness I'm not sure which is more humiliating my husband trying to hide his laugh,  or him having to help me up!
I have been experiencing pelvic rest the last couple of weeks and oh. My. Goodness. I can't say I have ever experienced the daily pain you feel from that.  Mornings are definitely the worst.  When you wake up and you convince yourself you did 1,000 squats last night and now your joints hate you.  Keeps you from growling at the baby at least :).
One beautiful part of week 28 is, she became far more active and my 2 year old was finally able to feel his little sister kick.  He now likes to sit by me on the couch with his little hand on my tummy waiting and when she kicks he looks at me, giggles and says "dats my sisser!"
My 4 year old has been trying but she's been extremely ornery with him and has refused so far to let him feel her.  She will by kicking a storm he gets to me and she stops! I traded my husband lady night that this is the one time in my life I will ever hear my son say "Kassalynn! Come on! Kick me!" 😆

So that's the update.  Thanks again for all your thoughts and prayers! 
Until next time!

I choose to love, love.

Today while in service our pastor said something so profound I as a Christian felt the need to share it with my friends and family. I don't know who of you believe in gay marriages or not but instead of judging think of this.

"I don't understand it. It's not in my almost 60 year old way of life. But I know many God loving people that are gay. And when the bill was passed I saw on television two 80 year old men weeping. They had lived together for 50 years and were overjoyed to finally be seen as accepted. Now when I was a young minister back in the 60's it was rare to see a couple live together before marriage but today I see many of them stay together, make families, and love. So I stop judging. God didn't create me to be the giver of judgment. He created me to love. And to love love. I love love, I love commitment, I love faith. So don't over think it. Today I choose to love love no matter what shape it takes. Just love and let God take care of anything else. The doors to the church are open."

This was beautiful to me. For many reasons. But my main reason is this. I have friends that have a different orientation than myself. Whom I have and always will love. They love me the SAME. Nothing about the way they love has ever seemed fake or lesser to my way of love. As a Christian unfortunately a lot of times we make judgements on how we are SUPPOSED to feel. Even if it's never said outside you struggle between the two. Love and judgement.
I choose today to love love. Unconditionally.

It's ok...

Today I hit an all time low.

For over a month I've worked to stay positive,  patient, tolerant, loving, understanding. Heck I've put every waking moment into just being quiet.

Don't say the wrong thing, don't make anyone mad, keep everyone from yelling. Oh gosh my head hurts...

In trying so hard to hold everything else together I forgot to hold myself together. And today... that fact showed it's ugly teeth...

I hit breaking point.

Now I thought I already had weeks ago when I'd call my aunt crying, getting in the car and bawling my eyes out in the few moments I had to myself to hide away...

I was SO wrong...

Breaking point isn't when you can hold it together in front of people slap on that cheerful positive "face" and keep moving...
It's when you can't cover it up anymore, where you don't want to move, don't want to feel, don't want to listen to anyone.

Today, I shut down. I screamed, I cried, I for the first time in my life as a mommy looked at my big eyed boys who were all over me trying to comfort me and yelled at them to just leave alone.... I have grown overwhelmed and frustrated that I have a life inside of me and cussed God out asking one simple question. "WHY NOW?!"

Rock bottom... that's where I hit... a darkness I'm not even sure how I got to. Resentment and anger lays deep inside me and all I want to do is scream...

I am depressed.

Honest words from an honest mommy.

Words I have refused to speak out for fear of how others would look at me.
"Your pregnant and have two beautiful boys what do you have to be depressed about?"

I. don't. know.

Honestly in a lot of ways I've asked myself that very question and gotten even more angry because I feel like a selfish horrible person.

But I'm not.

I'm depressed.

I'm not some heartless soul who doesn't care about her kids, I cry daily with the fact that I hate them seeing me so weak. .. so mean...

I'm depressed.

I don't tell this for sympathy in any way. I'm getting the help that's needed. I'm in enough of my right mind to recognize that I needed that.

I tell this story for the one reason of... you can have every happiness in the world and still struggle with something as baffling as depression.  It doesn't mean that I don't care about my husband or my kids. It means that I am hurting. And like any physical pain it's hard to see past the pain...

It's OK to hurt.
It's OK to cry.
But it's also important to see what you can handle and get help when you can't do it alone anymore.

Blessings to all.

Journey

It's been a while since I've been on here and much has happened.
First off we were blessed with the ability to announce that I am pregnant. We are hopeful for a long tried for girl to add to our boys :).

My husband was severely injured and tore everything in his knee. He had to have in depth surgery on his ACL, MCL, LCL and both meniscus. The surgery went well but the aftermath is grim for him and our family.

One moth ago I got a call from him while I was out of town informing me of the injury. So our boys and I loaded up and drove home. After taking him into the ER they made it out like a tiny tear and that he could return to work in three days but to make a follow-up appointment with our physician. 
Three days later he still couldn't walk and his physician sent him to an orthopedic specialist. Even the specialist assumed tear of the mcl and possible meniscus and ordered an MRI.
His results came back a week and a half after the injury and my husband still couldn't walk as he crutched his way into the exam room. The specialist came in and was very silent as he read the MRI.
Daniel had done a great job of staying positive during this time that he'd just need a little time to heal. Me? I guess I was a little pessimistic. ..
The doctor turned and informed us that Daniels injury was far worse than he expected and that he even had a 30% chance of amputation on an injury like his... he needed surgery and was looking at a 6 month recovery.
He was scheduled for last Friday for surgery. After surgery with two blocks and three meds in his system the staff couldn't get his pain under control. The doctor told me that he was able to do everything he was wanting but he had never in his career seen anything like it.

So now. He struggles with pain, he struggles with movement, he struggles to sleep... with that all he struggles with his attitude...

To add on top I'm unable to work cause I have to take care of him and the kids, and he is obviously unable to work. So I think that sinks in on him pretty bad. I know it does me...

Prayers are appreciated during this dark journey.  Especially for my dear husband...

from that first moment

so any of you moms out there, or soon to be moms will be able to relate with this.

Remember all the times you heard, "get sleep in now, as soon as the baby gets here that won't ever happen again."

or how about this one.

"When you have kids your body will never be the same. You'll never put on a bikini again."

or this one...

"you will never feel more pain than when having a baby. It's excruciating, exhausting and you will want to hold in your pee for a week."

lets not talk about the million and one things I was told could go wrong.

well... Thanks guys! You were right about most of that... Thanks for the heads up!

Not..

I was induced with my first guy and went through 14 hours of labor before being taken in for an emergency c section.

yeah moms those hurt a bit too..

but I not here to tell anyone the negatives I was pumped full of before my first go at childbirth. I want to tell you the things that I wasn't told.

like for example, that for that first moment you hold your baby, the pain just goes away..
joy consumes you to the point of actual tears. No in all the movies they are not crying out of pain they are crying out of complete pride, love and adoration. that's something the movies got right!

or how about looking over at daddy passed out in the chair holding his newborn child. And you didn't think you could ever love him more! Leave it to the baby to already start proving you wrong :)

or the first time you change a diaper and inevitably get pee on you. Gross? No hysterical. And your very first blackmail story!

Now lets head home.

first night all on your own and the baby wakes up. You go in and get to pick up this more than perfect piece of you and smell the goodness. What does goodness smell like? My only comparison to the wonderful smell of my very own newborn would be for me the smell of the ocean and strawberries. It's that good haha.

you won't want to be the same person. Because you have this being that you want to be the best and do the best for. And snuggling to watch a movie at 7pm is so much more fun that going out dancing. The company is so much better too!

You get kisses, hugs and mommy I love yous.
gorgeous PRICELESS works of art covering your refrigerator.
the opportunity to watch this being that came from you grow into a kind, generous and loving person.

these aren't things anyone told me.

They also never told me that you honestly forget what the pain felt like. ;)

ignore the fear and the anxiety leading up to the moment you have waited for because I can promise you that it's a waste of time. Because that moment. That first moment that you look into the eyes of a little one that has known you since the moment of their creation... It will not matter... They will be all that matter.

little whispers

I have the proud position of being a mommy to two incredible sweet boys. They are both equally sweet and unique in their own ways.
Kyden though the last few months has learned the art of compliments. At 3 1/2 he's learned the way into many hearts with his exclamation of beauty.
It warms my heart.
tonight as I was putting my guy to bed I bent down for our nightly kids and he puts his arms around me and softly whispers in my ear
"you are beautiful mommy. You are my beautiful mommy."
it struck me in my heart. I like many women in this world struggle with myself. I nitpick about the things about myself that I'm not a fan of. And lately I've noticed myself doing it even in front of my boys...
I poke at my stretch marks and mutter a blech as I get ready for work never putting into my mind what they stand for.
they stand for the two beautiful treasures I have the privilege of tucking into bed each night. They stand for the two outstanding pieces of art that find me to be the most beautiful.
I am fearfully and wonderfully made and my child reminded me of that. I am proud of every scar and blemish because it gives me a daily reminder that I am mommy. That I was strong enough to become mommy.
and mostly, that my kids love their mommy regardless of any imperfections I may see.
just as I will always love then despite any imperfections of their own.
sometimes its the littlest message from the littlest mouth that gives us the biggest reminders. 😏