I'm hanging on

I can't say this post will be uplifting.  I can't say it will bring you joy or make you laugh.  Honestly? As I sit here writing I don't really know myself where it is going. 
For the first time since I've been writing this blog it will actually breathe into post of its title.  Depressed. 
As most know from previous posts our lives turned upside down last year with Daniel's injury.  We lost two cars,  had utilities shut off countless times, got notice we were losing our home to forclosure,  began having pay garnished for medical bills and just couldn't catch back up.
Now for anybody who really knows me they know I am sickeningly optimistic. It is a rare occasion that I allow life to put me into a slump. No matter the situation I have always been that person who strongly believes and strongly encourages "don't , it'll be fine.  It can't get any worse. "
Now if only you could have been that fly on the wall the last year and a half and seen how every time I spoke those words I learned... yeah it really can....
After our tax return was garnished this spring and we gotten that letter saying sorry guys your house is about to be ours  (speaking for the bank) we had recieved a letter from a government agency that helps bail family's out of trouble with their mortgage by helping them get a mortgage  modification.  Which is taking what you owe and adding it to the end. Well after doing some research we saw it was a legit company and called immediately.  We were determined to keep our kids grounded with what they know as long as we are in Oklahoma.  all it took was 4 months of $900 payments.
So for 4 months even while Daniel was out of work we scraped together $900 to send this company to save our house. Finally after the 4th and final payment... I breathed. I had succeeded in providing what I had been sure was the impossible. I finally felt safe in my own skin as a working wife and mother.
Have you ever heard the saying everything good must come to an end?
Well. It did.
Now I'm not saying EVERY single thing does. I don't think I'm quite that screwed up yet but with situations over the last year I may be close.
Unfortunately this company is what's called a mirror scam company. They take websites of real companies and they make a mirror image of them but they change a few minor things that most people would not notice in order to scam people. Unfortunately we fell victim to that scam and we lost $3,600 and a period of four months...
Now I would say it's safe to say that anger is not the emotion that I felt. I think that the emotion that I felt was rage cap to its ultimate. Can you tell I don't even know how to describe the emotion that I felt?
So after this happened, I hit a point where for the first time in my entire life optimism held no place in my heart... I can't even say that pessimism is what held its place because I don't think the pessimism could show its face from behind the rage that I felt, the pain that I felt, the disappointment, the outrage and honestly the feeling of violation that I felt.
Here my husband myself and our three children had been to hell and back in the last 18 months, and because of one shred of hope, we thought there was finally an end to the tunnel of Darkness. But then there were these people that probably slept in nice houses were able to feed their children were able to make sure their children had new shoes when they needed them, were able to feed their children more than peanut butter or jelly sandwiches and ramen noodles. Who were able to take their children on vacations, who were able to buy their children their favorite toy... THOSE people could sleep at night after they did what they did and knowing every aspect of the story of what our family has gone through.
Honestly for the first time in my life I would have had no problem seeing those people in a vulnerable position with a gun being held to their head and turning around and walking away.
Now I don't know if this makes me a normal person and I don't know if this makes me an awful person but what I do know is this that they robbed me of the one thing that no matter what I felt like I would always have... my faith that everything will always be ok, my faith that everything would always work its way out that no matter what happened there was always a way to make it through it. They robbed me of my joy they robbed me of my sanity.
The breakdown that I had that day and the breakdowns that I've had almost daily since have been something that I am completely unable to grab onto they are completely foreign to me. I am not used to being an angry person I am not used to being a person that looks at everyone that I see on the street in immediate distrust... but I do that now.
We got the letter last week that we had to get out of our home that was how we found out we were scammed and here we lost $3,600 and now we had to find a new home.
My children were about to start school, I just started a new job a mile down the road and now we have to find a new home...
I didn't WANT to find a new home. I didn't want to have to get rid of my dogs. I didn't want to tell my children that they would be going to a different school next year I didn't want to feel like I was some form of a disappointment because after all, all I could think of was it was my idea.
The day after we moved into our new home we went outside to go to church my husband opened the car door and saw that someone had broken into it... for the first time in my entire existence I understood the term hyperventilation where the anxiety boils up inside of your chest so strong that you can't even will yourself to take a breath.
I remember the night before telling my husband as I was broken and crying and he said it'll get better it can't get any worse it's only up from here. And I had looked at him and said do NOT promise me that! Everytime we say that something else goes wrong!
But again he promised and that day whenever we were looking in our car where someone again had made me feel violated... the anger I felt towards my husband was astronomical. All I did was yell at him through my tears
"I told you not to promise me! I told you something else could go wrong!"
I told him I was angry I told him that I had feelings in my chest and that I had emotions that I didn't know how to handle and I told him that for the most part I just wanted to give up.
I told him there are days that I am in the car by myself and I look at the highway in front of me and I have thought to myself what it would be like to just keep going...
I'm told that I'm a mom and I'm not allowed to feel the way that I feel because I have 3 lives that count on me. But I'm also a human and there's also only so much that a human can take and although I'm at my wit's end I get up every morning, I go to work, I come home, I spend time with my babies, I get my husband up, take him to work same routine starts again the very next morning...
I do not ignore my children. I do not regret my children. I'm human and I'm tired and I'm broken.
There are days that I want to stay in bed because I don't want to give life a chance to knock me down another Peg. There are days that I don't want to talk to people because I don't want to hear their opinion on what I'm supposed to do or how I'm supposed to feel.
I'm going to feel the way I'm going to feel and nobody is allowed to tell me when I'm going to feel because right now I don't even know how to decipher the emotions inside of myself.
I don't know what to say to my three-year-old when he looks at me and says Mommy I miss our old house breaks my heart into a thousand pieces it makes me feel like I failed it makes me feel like there's no greater purpose and then all we're going to do for the rest of our existence his fight to live.
I'm hanging on by a thread but by God I am hanging on and tomorrow morning I will get up I will put my clothes on I will get my children in the car I will go to work I will go home I will spend time with my babies I will wake my husband up and take him to work. And I will live another day... just hanging on...

Bring back love

I have sat and watched over the last 24 hours social media explode with hateful words racial slurs and people who have been friends for years sever a friendship over a difference of opinion. 
I have seen articles of men dying when they have done no wrong because of an incident that happened halfway across the nation.
I have seen innocent police officers paying the price for one that had done something unruly, uncalled for.
I have seen people fight over the fact that they deserve it because the man that was shot first DIDN'T deserve it.
I have seen the negativity of police officers and men and women of color and not all over be shared.
But what I haven't seen is the fact that no matter what the race no matter what the religion everyone realize that we are human.
I don't see people weeping for the families that have loved ones lost I don't see understanding and compassion being poured out to them I see words of they deserved it..  they got what's coming to them.
I hate that I am raising my children in a world where humanity is so rare.
I hate that I'm raising my children and a place where even police officers who have done nothing wrong are something to be feared, because the population has made every single one of them lumped as something to be feared.
I hate that my children are being raised in a place where they are forced to notice the color of a man's skin. My children see friends no matter the color.
I hate that my children have to grow up in a world where they have to feel like they're a bad person because they're white, my children were fearfully and wonderfully made and they have no reason to ever feel guilty or feel shame for the color of their skin.
I hate that they are growing up in a world where they have to fear to become a police officer and they have to feel guilty for not being black.
I hate that there are black children all across this nation that had to feel the same turmoil because their skin is not white, they were not created  to have a skin color that shows that they are bad or they are evil. They are assumed they will automatically will rob a bank, shoot a man, kill a child and I hate the injustice tossed upon these innocent children. they are just as fearfully and wonderfully made and beautiful the SAME as my children. they should not on first glance be judged because of a population that is wrong 
I have met just as many  bad black people and bad white people THOSE people should be grouped together not the whites with the bad whites and the blacks with the bad blacks there are many amazing, good African American men and women in this world and there are many amazing, good white people in this world  THOSE people should be grouped together
It should not have to be where I am group together with a population  that looks at people with darker skin color and ridicules them because, I. do. not.
The African American man living next door to should not be grouped in with the group of people that ridicule and shame white people  because they automatically assume that we view them as a lesser person because he. Is. not. 
Myself and him should be grouped together as a population that loves people and that doesn't care  whether or not your skin is light or dark. 
I have met many amazing police officers, yes I've met a few that are not so nice. I realize that they are out there  but the amazing police officers that I have encountered should not have to be grouped in with the ones that are not so nice and they should not have to be killed for doing their job all because of the fact that everyone is angry over the actions of the police officer that did something wrong.
That is not Humanity that is fear, that is anger, and I hate that is the world that we live in.
I want to bring back Humanity  I want to bring back love we are all human we all love the same way we all feel pain, have fear and bleed the same color.
We all nurture our children and want them to grow up for greatness, so why can't we be the people that teach them to be great.
Love one another.
I want my boys to love for your spirit, soul and heart.
Not for the color of your skin or your occupation.
Bring back Humanity.
Bring back love.

It was the last night for forever....

I come here today to talk about something dear to me and now hard on my heart. 
I have always been a nursing mother.  I came from a breastfeeding family and married into one.
So needless to say I saw no other options for myself.
When my first child was born,  he was 4 weeks early and in the nicu. Labor had been long and ended with a c section and myself highly drugged. With him being so far from me while I was confined to my bed with high blood pressure the nurses confused the situation and fed him formula.  I was unable to nurse my newborn till day 5. My milk finally dropped.  Unfortunately from that point on breastfeeding was an extremely painful process... but dear lord I was determined.  The first 2 months I would bring myself to the point of tears,  bleeding and holding my breath while nursing just to feed my baby.  By the 7th month of Kyden's life while pregnant with his little brother he decided he didn't want to do it any more.  This of course broke my heart but I was ok. I had 7 months to go before I had another baby to nurse and my lord I needed the rest before that. 
When my second son was born I had learned my lesson.  I got him the moment he was born,  nursed him. Wow it was a new feeling.  He could still be trained and so could I! Parker was a very aggressive eater but even with that it was a million times less painful than it had been with his brother. He nursed for 1 year exactly.  On the night of his first birthday I went to nurse him and he turned me down.  He was done.
It was a bit harder than with his brother because I wasn't expecting at the time so I cried... but knowing I was planning on physically having one more I got over it pretty well.
February of last year when we found out I was pregnant with Kassalynn, one of the very first things I did was get my pump out.  Nursing momma was back!
Well when Daniel got hurt and couldn't work times got a little stressful. Then I had a complicated pregnancy, totalled my car, couldn't work and couldn't drive and it got about 1000 times more complicated.
Many of you know that Daniel and I have already had long conversations about wanting to adopt a child when Kass was 5 or 6. So we were planning on stopping after her anyway. But what many don't know is that I in fact made sure of it... I had a tubal ligation following my c section. It didn't hit me even a little that I couldn't have another baby till Kass was about 5 months old.  But even then it wasn't extreme.  It didn't hit me like a mac truck till this morning. And I'll tell you why...
At Kass' 3 month appointment which was almost 4 months since she had rsv. She was way way to tiny.  She fell in the second percentile for her weight.  At only 11 lbs. The doctor looked at me and said "she's starving".
As a food source you feel like a failure.  As a mother I can't even place into words what I felt.  I felt unable to care for my child,  I felt negligent that I didn't know she was starving and felt abusive that I was starving her.  So we began supplementing with formula. 2 to 3 bottles a day.  But she still wasn't gaining like she should.
Last week I worked a LOT of hours so I wasn't home much which forced Daniel to give her formula every feeding. All the sudden my child starts getting SO heavy.  She developed rolls and stated having more energy and moving around and the doctor says "she's up to the 5th!"
Now for the Mac truck... remember that determined word? Well I was determined to at least nurse kass before bed. And this morning when I woke up in realized, I hadn't nursed her since two nights ago and my whole world crumbled on my head... I'm done. She's done. Night before last was the last night I would ever again nurse one of my children. And I feel like I missed it...
But as much as I came to the revelation that fed is best not breast is best I came to this revelation as well...
I had always been a nursing mother.  I had always been a stay at home mother.  Now I'm a working mother. And though many mothers are more than able to be both I had never had the experience just like I'd never experienced nursing before my first child. I haven't failed because I did the best I could. I may feel sad and might still feel a tad guilty but I did well.
I will miss those moments I already do. I will most likely cry some tears. I already do.
But no matter how short or how long I did it, no matter how much I supplemented. I did my best and I am still doing my best. Because my child's health is more important than my desires for just a little longer.
Today I hurt. But today I am proud.

Time heals all wounds...

Time heals all wounds.. so they say.
In my opinion that's tragically untrue.
7 years ago my best friend in the whole world had many wounds. Hidden, unreachable wounds.
He didn't let people in on the sadness that he felt. He kept it tucked way down deep where nobody could see.
He was always happy, charismatic, fun and loving. Everyone else's problems and he was the first to try and solve them.
Times that I would be confused and out of sorts, or doing something I really shouldn't, he would never hide his concern or disapproval. He was the first one to honestly open up and say "Emily, you're being stupid." "For once just see what I see."
He loved with his whole heart and nothing but. There was nobody he wasn't genuine with. If he said loved you he loved you, if he didn't like you... well.. you knew it.
I could always count on real with him.
I could always just count on him.
7 years ago he hit a low.
He didn't feel as though he had anyone he could count on to take away the pain and sadness. But the reason is.. we never knew.
So many people in this world would have given everything they had to make him happy... he just didn't seem to know that...
I have a lot of favorite memories with this incredible man but one of my favorites that I think of often is this...

I was 18 and he was 19. It was March. We were standing outside leaning on a power box talking and he was mad at me about a bad choice I was making... it started to rain... I don't know if we were unique or if there are many more people like this but we just stood out in it. I was frustrated feeling that he wasn't understanding me...
Suddenly after feeling like we were standing there forever the rain began to clear and he took my hand and led me across the parking lot through the trees.. he helped me climb up this mountain of dirt. We sat there in silence taking in the view as the sun began to set when he took a breath and looked at me.
"I don't get it... look out there.. do you see that? That's what I see in you. Beauty. Why are you the only one who can't see it?"

I couldn't be mad after that. There was the real Brian. There was the Brian I could always count on to show me every little piece of myself that I didn't know existed.
He in such a large way shaped my heart to what it is today.
What I wouldn't give to sit on a dirt pile with him and watch that sunset again today. If I could go back I would have stayed longer.

I miss you as always, but more today than yesterday...
7 years is a long time... did you know we would all hurt? 7 years later?

We do.

I don't take my time with you for granted. I am thankful for every moment of it.

I Miss you Crazy. Like crazy.

I'll love you forever.

Happy Valentine's day to my husband...

Happy Valentine's day my love.

I'm sorry it wasn't anything special, or exciting and I didn't plan anything for you.  I love you everyday of the year not just this one day. I swear I really do.

I know there are often times we don't feel much like husband and wife.  More like just a mom and dad falling victim to the chaos of parenting. I miss you every day, even when you're sitting beside me. I miss the conversations we would have full of spontaneous meaning. I know mostly all they are now is comparing schedules, doctors appointments, school meetings and bills to pay.

I know I sometimes forget to tell you when I notice the sweet little things you do. Like how you always get my favorite ice cream, not yours. Or that anytime we stop to get a drink you get Dr Pepper instead of Coke even though that's what you would want all because you know I don't like it. That's something special about you. And I do see that you do that. Everytime.

I see when you snuggle with one of our kids and watch a show you really hate, or stay up a little later when your exhausted just to play a game. I see that you let me vent about things you have no feelings about and when you let me ramble on about nothings just to let me talk.

I notice how you hold your tongue when I'm being irrational and immature and reacting how I shouldn't. I notice how you are patient when I'm not returning the favor.

I know you feel at times I don't see you there in front of me. I know sometimes I can make you feel like all I do is mother our kids and forget about you... I know that many times it appears that EXACTLY what I do.
But my love, I promise I DO see you.

I'm sorry that I do not more often show you or express how thankful I am for everything you do, or how much I appreciate you and love you. I'm sorry for losing it sometimes and getting frustrated. Sometimes you drive me crazy :) but I love you just the same. I'm sorry that many times I lose it on you it's not even your fault. It's typically mine and I'm sorry for being to stubborn to admit it most of the time. Every day I'm working to try and fix my flaws and admitting when I'm wrong..... ha the fact that I don't is my worse one of all. :)

Thank you for loving me even when I'm crazy. Thank you for standing beside me through these crazy times parenting our wonderful kids. Thank you for always being on my side. Thank you for always being there no matter what. I can't imagine doing any of this without you there by my side. My rock when I feel faulty, my breath when I can't breathe, my heart that keeps on beating.

And lastly...
I love you.
I love the you who even when your tired fixes what needs fixed, cleans what needs cleaned.
I love the you that loves me unconditionally when I lose it and scream when you did nothing wrong.
I love the you that teaches our boys how to play a new game, or ride a bike or kick a ball.
I love the you who loses yourself in our baby girls eyes.
I love the you that makes mistakes and reminds me we are all human.
I love the you that accepts that I am human too.

I love the you that I wake up every morning to and don't just love you. I choose to love you because I WANT to love you.

I love our life. Every happy, sad, angry and dirty little bit of it. There is no one in life other than you I would want to go through it with.

I don't fear that we won't make it. Because at the end of this crazy chaos when our kids are grown and gone, I believe we will look back and realize that every step of it brought us closed together and taught us more and more of what we needed to know. Someday we will look back at these frustrating moments and laugh at our reactions. Laugh at the silly fights and be thankful that each of us even when we felt distant held on so tight.

I love you more today that I did the day I first loved you. Not in that sloppy goofy teenage girl sort of way.
In that I'll love you till the end of time you are my heart sort of way.

Happy Valentine's day my husband. My heart.

I love you.

I made you, but you made me a mom.

From the moment I knew of your existence I swear I could feel you.
I swear I knew you.
The moment I first heard your heartbeat my own jumped in my chest.

I joined groups.
Read any book I could get my hands on
I talked to family and friends.
I absorbed every ounce of advice I could gather from them.
As much as I thought I knew what I was doing.
I also knew I didnt.

I gave up coffee and tea.
Cigarettes and beer.
Took prenatals and folic acid
And I snacked on tums.

The day they looked at me and said you were ready to come to be honest, I couldn't breathe.
I was prepared.
I knew everything I could possibly know.
But at that moment I was scared...

What if you cried when I held you
Or I didn't swaddle very well.
What if I did something wrong
And you suffered for my ignorance.

I was about to be a mom.
My life was about to change.
A whole little beings life....
Depended on me.

The first time I heard you.
Tears filled my eyes.
It was a sound I never thought would bring me so much joy.
The first time I held you and your tiny hand held mine.
My own existence meant something so much more.

I swaddled you well.
You slept in my arms.

There are times you are frustrating.
That I want to clock out.
But then you ask me to hold you.
Or say mommy tuck me into bed.

My world changed the moment you came into this world.
Even from your moments inside of me.
And there's not a single part I would change.

I gave birth to you.
I gave you life.
But you gave me so much more.

You my darling son.
Gave me the most meaningful gift in my life.
You made me a mom.

*I love you my first born. Thank you*

Mom, my boogers look like...

So today my kids and I had a pretty fabulous day. Full of fun laughter and music.

It was a day for the calender. :)

My oldest reminded me today how much he was like me and that I really am wrong when I say he gets his attitude from his dad. No it definitely comes from me.

But more today I realized how a child's brain works. So completely out of the box.

My son parker, (who has a mind and personality all his own) is all boy. He loves gross things, slimy things.  Worms, mud, bugs, creepy crawlies. God was definitely testing my abilities to be a boys mom when he gave me him. :)

He also gets the biggest kick out of bodily functions. He's the first one to yell I tooted, and crack up when we say it stinks. (As I said a personality all of his own)

Well we have been working on the no nose picking the last few weeks. Trying to encourage tissues and less....fingers... bleh.

Tonight while in the car, he was apparently picking his nose. And informed me in the front seat...

"Mom, my boogers look like Ramen noodles!"

Oh. My. Gosh. Can I say ew enough. Ha

After going through the speech of, "please don't pick your nose Parker and DEFINITELY don't eat it, it is NOT ramen" I had to laugh at the realization that I came to.

How do children see things?
How differently they can see objects and the world.

I always say my biggest fear in life is that Parker has zero fear of anything. He sees everything as exciting, as nothing to back away from.

My son sees no reason to fear the stranger he says hello to in walmart as he offers them a bite of his cookie. He is truly one in a million.

Tonight I realized that his brain works in ways I myself as his mother will most likely never understand. And that's ok.

He's all his own.

I was given the gift of getting to raise this amazing, spontaneous and fearless little boy.

There will be times I will probably have to hold my breath when he gets older when one of his fearless stunts takes my mommy breath away.

My children teach me things everyday and the amazing fact is that today... I learned from something as disgusting as boogers. :)