My life means more...

3,392 days. That's how many days it took.
3,393 days ago I tried to commit suicide.  3,393 days ago I took a handful of pills and fell asleep.  3,393 days ago I hurt my family.  3,393 days ago I swore I would never do this again. 
39 hours.  39 hours ago,  I was in the back seat of a car being rushed to the hospital...
39 hours ago I stopped after swallowing three handfuls of pills and realized I didn't want to die...
39 hours ago I cried because every mistake is made stared me in my face and I actually allowed myself to think my family was not worth pain.  Getting help.  The repercussions of my actions. 
39 hours ago I thought everyone would be better off without me...
I was placed in the ICU... I was watched like a hawk.. I was placed under 24/7 watch....
I had blood tests on the hour, and ivs hooked up had shot after shot in my stomach... I swallowed charcoal... charcoal meant to make me vomit... and I fell asleep... I woke up to an angry husband, trying to hold it together. Three children who were missing out... and parents looking at me trying to understand why.... I wish I could explain why...
Tonight I'm in a room with a camera... I can't even go pee without the bathroom door open and supervision... I have paper trash bags, and can't wear my own clothes...
Tomorrow... I go to psychiatric facility. I will be monitored and go through alot of therapy... I'm told it will be the best for me. I'm told I do not have an option.
I will go with an open mind that things will be better. This is a step that unfortunately I have to take. I have to do it for me. I have to do it for my marriage. I have to do it for my kids.
I will beat this. I will bounce back... just please pray for me... but more so... pray for my husband... for his peace and strength in this moment. For my children.... that they know I love them....

I shared those words a short 3 weeks ago. It feels like months...
I have had to learn and grow. I've had to make changes to better myself. Better my mind.

I was an intense drinker when I was in my late teens. My world revolved around alcohol and caffeine pills. I didn't do much without drinking. I had struggled for many years with depression and drinking made me forget my problems and made everything more fun... so I told myself. Didn't matter what mistakes I made while drinking or the relationships I harmed with my drinking. When I was 19 I had my first go round trying to commit suicide. I felt that everyone was hurt by me and frankly that I ruined anything and anyone around me. Unfortunately the day I made that decision I was highly intoxicated. Thankfully I lived.
When my parents moved me to Oklahoma from my home town in Iowa my drinking had lessened and things seemed to get better.
A few short weeks after I met my husband I made the stupid decision to go out and drink. I drank. And drank. And didn't have much memory the next day of what had gone on. Thankfully I had found a man that loved me through it.
On December 31st, 2009 I was angry about something and picked up a beer. As I went to lift it to my mouth I realized my problem. I always drank to distract myself... I always drank when I was angry... I walked to the sink and poured it out.
I realized, I was in fact an alcoholic. I decided I was not going to drink any more.
I went years without touching a drop. I got married... Had a couple kids... the first time I drank my second son was about a year old and I got one drink in and my arms throbbed. I couldn't drink without a burning sensation shooting through my arms. So I really didn't drink.
I had one night in 2014 that I got pretty drunk and had to be embarrassed the next day when I reminded myself again, why I didn't drink.

So when July of 2016 rolled around my life got all kinds of twisted. I craved alcohol daily. If a bottle of wine was in my fridge I'd have to fight myself not to touch it.
When we lost our house in July I unfortunately lost my mind. I had been struggling with depression for over a year but due to our financial situation I didn't feel like I could tell my husband.
I told myself, we can't afford a doctor... we can't afford for me to take meds... we can't afford for me to go to counseling...
I started drinking.
At one of my best friends wedding which I was in I stood up to do my speech and I was intoxicated and had to focus to not slur.
When my husband and I would fight I'd open a bottle.
When I went out for a girls night, everyone else was sober and Emily was the drunk.
I knew I was spiraling out of control but didn't feel like I could slow it down. Didn't feel like I could tell anyone. I was fighting a war by myself and losing...

The night before my daughters 1st birthday party... three of my friends and I were setting up decorations and making the cake. More they were and I of course was drinking.... I was officially out of control... I played off sober and drove home... something I thank God everyday didn't end someone else's life..

I called my husband in a complete loss of everything and ended up on my bedroom floor.... in tears... so tired.
I took a bunch of pills and locked myself in the bathroom... at that moment I thought of my children. My beautiful boys and gorgeous girl and I hated myself more... who was I to take myself away from them?! They didn't know this me that I fought they knew the me that they love and is always there!
I panicked and thankfully my husband and a friend of mine got me to the hospital in time...

It's been a long road.. full of a lot of tears, anger and pain... I learned I can't fight alone. I've learned I can't be embarrassed.

I've quit drinking. My husband poured out every drop in the house. He graciously quit drinking with me.
I take my meds, the way I'm suppose to.
When I'm having a bad day, I talk about it and usually cry.

I've stopped holding in my pain.
I've stopped fighting alone.

I realize I need support to battle my demons and I'm proud of myself that I'm brave enough to admit it.

I don't love myself yet... But everyday I feel a little bit closer... I feel a little more worth fighting for...
I have a better relationship with my husband and kids than I've had in a long time...

I share all of this with hopes that just one person finds solace in this. One person turns and says, I need help...
Nobody needs to fight alone...

I don't know you, but I will fight with you.
Because we are worth it...