Week 36

Week 36 day 5....
I waddle. Alot.
My husband in his sweet loving way as I was complaining a few days back about not fitting into anything looked at me and said "well babe you're huge." Don't think he thought that one through to well. Lol instantly he tried to change how he said it.
I don't sleep to we'll these days. It's either heartburn, gotta pee, pelvis pain, gotta pee, back pain oh or I gotta pee. Not to mention the two other kiddos already occupying a room in our house.
Our 3 year old wants held all the time. "Mommy I hold you!" No kid what you don't realize is its me holding you. And your sister. And my bladder.
I have severe back pain almost all the time, and actually have been experiencing some contractions the last 4 days. Which unfortunately has made the bathroom my new favorite hangout. 
Third trimester morning sickness does in fact exist. And I happened to get the fine opportunity to learn that this pregnancy. Yay! Go me!
My c section is still 2 weeks and 4 days away.... I feel my tummy... I feel the aches, pains and I have yet to be able to grasp how that's even a possibility.  Haha.
Daddy on the pregnancy countdown?  I think he's about as ready as me. I think he's ready for a calmer wife again and maybe the option to not always have to help a turtle roll over ;) right honey?
But light is at the end of the tunnel folks!

Suicide prevention

Today September 10th is an annual day to me that strikes a nerve and i believe deserves strong recognition. Suicide prevention day.

In 2007 after a few years of struggling with depression and having a few unfortunate situations show themselves, I had developed a strong addiction to alcohol. I drank to have fun, I drank to forget, I drank to... well... drink.
It hindered my social life with friends and family, hindered my work life... basically every single aspect of my life was warped and wrapped around my life of depression.

One July day unfortunately my guilt surrounded me. I believed that I was causing pain and conflict with those around me and I needed to make everything easier on them.
That afternoon after a few shots and a handful of pills I had my mother rushing me to the hospital on the phone with my dad. I Thankfully have a dear friend that knew me well enough that he knew something was up.

The next day is the worst when you realize you were wrong. That you weren't helping anyone. You were hurting them.

My best friend in 2009 tragically took his own life. I remember being angry at him and at everything around. It took years to talk about him in a non emotional way. I remember worrying about what domino effect his death would cause. But one of the strongest memories was my 13 year old brother looking at me after the funeral and saying "promise you won't ever try to do it again."

I wish all the time myself or someone else could have seen the signs. I wish all the time that just one word would have shot through my head as a warning. That he could have been stopped the way I was.

But today is a reminder to all that mental illness no matter what it's form exists. And that suicide can in fact be prevented. Those around you do care about you whether at the moment you feel it or not.

Help is always available. Seek it out please. Nobody has to feel alone.

Failure as a concept

What exactly is failure?
Is it trying something, deciding it isn't what you expected and moving to something different?
Is it deciding your no good at it and finding something you better excel at?

I have had many "failures" in my life. Things that people have looked at and thought I am nothing but a quitter.

I have had people tell me straight to my face that I am lucky I found my husband because I wouldn't be worth anything without him. Or how about that I'm just made up of a bunch of excuses about everything.

You want to know where those excuses come from? They come from the dream that I can potentially find something that clicks within me. I only had one real dream I pursued in my life and that was to be a mother. Nothing has ever brought me such a feeling of accomplishment or satisfaction than when I look at my kiddos faces. So in fact I have succeeded at much.

In today's society it is looked down upon to be a stay at home mom. We feel the constant pressures to get a "real" job, to step up and help our families. But when we do we get condemned for putting your children in childcare. Rock=hard place, lose=lose.

The number one most hurtful comment that can be said is well your track record is long....
Unintentionally those words make you feel like a failure before you even begin to step a foot out to try.
"Why should I try? Are they right? Is this just another thing that won't amount to anything?"

You know what? I don't know...and I won't until I try. I want to make that difference in my children's lives and make then proud. I don't want them to think of mommy as a failure.

I may be a failure in anyone elses eyes. But I refuse to be in my eyes.

The only things you fail at are the things you don't try.

My future is hope

I'm pregnant with our third child. I prayed long and hard for this girl growing inside me. I was and still am more than blessed to have my boys but I always wanted bows and dresses so when my husband and I discovered we were expecting in February I had this strong sense of knowing that it was my girl.

A short month after finding out about the pregnancy, my husband suffered an accident. Surgery, therapy, shockingly fast recovery and four months later after our fair share of moments that seemed dire when we wondered what was coming next my dear husband returned to work.

As anyone who's ever been hospitalized, had surgery and been out of work knows, things pile up.

I was more than able, more than willing to return to work as well to help my husband and my family during this time.

About 2 weeks in I started experiencing some dizziness.  Sometimes severe, sometimes unnoticeable.  But pretty typically always there. But hey I'm pregnant it comes with the territory right? Ha.

Apparently not.

August 10th, I was driving home from work, apparently blacked out and in a 100 foot distance slammed into the car in front of me. Airbags deployed and I punched my windshield..

Next thing I remember is a terrified teenage kid panicking as he called 911 realizing that I was pregnant.  All I could do was feel completely horrible that this poor kid was having to go through this, how we couldn't afford this and... oh dear lord, my baby...

So many things that day I had never experienced before.  A ride in an ambulance,  airbags, punching a windshield... but none were as striking as the instant you can't recall if your kids were with you and if you had hurt any of them. Including the one inside of you.

After the long wait for the EMSA, then having to wait till the hospital to have to be all alone in a trauma room with a nurse operating a doppler they finally found her heartbeat. She had been hiding.

The irony to me that moment they found the heartbeat as I finally broke and admitted I wasn't ok was that was the first moment in 2 hours I WAS ok.

My kids were safe, all 3. I was safe and everything would be ok and be back to normal soon.

I've struggled in the last week with feeling worthless and helpless. My darling husband who gives the world to me ended up having to saddle for more than his fair share. So today I couldn't wait to get back to my normal and help him out.

When my doctor told me today that wasn't happening until after the baby is born I hit an emotional wall.
"How in the world can I have such a healthy pregnancy and still have this happen."
"WHY can't my body just cooperate!"

After apologizing a few times,  crying tears each time a new thing popped in my head that I couldn't help with and listening to my husband say over and over that I'm carrying a life and it's ok, I just got irritated...

Then I read Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.

Right now is just right now.  No matter how many curves have been thrown at me and my little family this year is only now.  I have an entire future to watch unfold before me.  Full of hope.  So what good would it do me to give up on that hope now?

I'm sorry mom's (from the pre mom me)

This is the pre mom sitting here in a mother of threes body about to apologize for every judgment I passed on all the moms out there like me.
I'm sorry to the mom I saw with the screaming kid in walmart that snapped at her kid. I'm sorry for looking at you and thinking you were being to impatient and ungrateful.
I'm sorry to the mom I saw in pajama pants with your hair in a crazy mess and two different shoes on. I'm sorry for thinking you just didn't care about how you looked and for thinking about how sorry I felt for your husband.
I'm sorry to the mom I saw with the car full of kids going through the McDonald's drive thru. I'm sorry for thinking you were to lazy to cook your kids a nutritious meal and thinking you were the reason for childhood obesity. 
I'm sorry to the mom that I saw crying leaving a department store dragging your seemingly well behaved children behind you. I'm sorry for thinking you were overreacting and being a drama queen.
I'm sorry to the mom with the three year old still in diapers. I'm sorry I sat there and thought how ridiculous it was that you didn't have the patience or dedication to potty train your children.
To every mom out there I thought negative thoughts about, to ALL moms.
I'M SO SORRY!!!!!!!
I didn't realize that whenever you snapped your patience had worked a bit to thin and you had most likely been put through the wringer that day by your kids.
Or that to you going to the grocery store in the hour you had by yourself was far more important than taking the time to put on make up and fix your hair.
I had no idea that when your running late and your doing everything in your power to have your kids on time how easy it was to not realize that you slipped two completely different shoes on your feet (heck I've even forgotten mine all together a few times).
I didn't realize that some days (most even though you pushed through) you just did not have the time or energy to cook that we'll rounded meal and your kids had already had mac and cheese twice that week. So nuggets were a relief to you AND your kids.
I didn't realize that when moms finally hit the tears point of overwhelmed that it's like this switch goes off in kids that make them all the sudden realize that you are serious and they try to retract everything before you get home and they were probably being royals in that store... not to mention no matter what that trip you had people staring and judging you.
I didn't realize that when you work full time and have your kids in daycare that they typically don't work well with you and encourage your child to go on the potty so you take 3 steps forward over the weekend and by Tuesday you've taken ten back...
I'm sorry that I was judgemental and not compassionate to you.
I'm sorry I looked at you in disgust instead of offering you that smile that might have given you the much needed it's ok. It's all going to be ok.
Please know although it is late it's better than never.  I respect you all for what you do. I appreciate you daily for putting every small bit of yourself into your children. And my children will appreciate you someday too.

Maybe it's just me, or baby number 3...

Monlux home/baby update. 

Well daddy started back to work two weeks ago. He's on light duty for another the weeks till the doctor sees if his knee is all lined up.  It still causes him some discomfort but he for some reason finds his narly 6 inch long scar to be fabulous ;)

We financially have definitely seen better days. I started a full time job a couple weeks ago and at 8 months pregnant all that you can really nail down is retail. Most days that's tough, especially pushing through to prove you were in fact worth the hire and the paycheck. But I'm surviving. Days that we are all together (and everyone is in good moods haha) I get to look at my husband and know he has a healthy knee and that my boys are fed. At least when I look back someday I can feel victorious that I held on and fought through for my family. Boom! Preggo momma win!
😄

Now on to baby monlux.
I am 2 days from the 29 week mark and let me tell you wow this girl is 100,000 times more intense than my boys were! Some say it's because it's a girl,  some say is because it's my third pregnancy, some say it's because I'm *cough* older.
Well whatever the reason she wore me or a long time ago!
Week 28 hit and I officially hit the good ol' turtle mode.  You mommas know what I mean.  When you have next to no abdominal abilities left due to this large mountain and you lay on your back and can't can't get back up.  Oh my goodness I'm not sure which is more humiliating my husband trying to hide his laugh,  or him having to help me up!
I have been experiencing pelvic rest the last couple of weeks and oh. My. Goodness. I can't say I have ever experienced the daily pain you feel from that.  Mornings are definitely the worst.  When you wake up and you convince yourself you did 1,000 squats last night and now your joints hate you.  Keeps you from growling at the baby at least :).
One beautiful part of week 28 is, she became far more active and my 2 year old was finally able to feel his little sister kick.  He now likes to sit by me on the couch with his little hand on my tummy waiting and when she kicks he looks at me, giggles and says "dats my sisser!"
My 4 year old has been trying but she's been extremely ornery with him and has refused so far to let him feel her.  She will by kicking a storm he gets to me and she stops! I traded my husband lady night that this is the one time in my life I will ever hear my son say "Kassalynn! Come on! Kick me!" 😆

So that's the update.  Thanks again for all your thoughts and prayers! 
Until next time!

I choose to love, love.

Today while in service our pastor said something so profound I as a Christian felt the need to share it with my friends and family. I don't know who of you believe in gay marriages or not but instead of judging think of this.

"I don't understand it. It's not in my almost 60 year old way of life. But I know many God loving people that are gay. And when the bill was passed I saw on television two 80 year old men weeping. They had lived together for 50 years and were overjoyed to finally be seen as accepted. Now when I was a young minister back in the 60's it was rare to see a couple live together before marriage but today I see many of them stay together, make families, and love. So I stop judging. God didn't create me to be the giver of judgment. He created me to love. And to love love. I love love, I love commitment, I love faith. So don't over think it. Today I choose to love love no matter what shape it takes. Just love and let God take care of anything else. The doors to the church are open."

This was beautiful to me. For many reasons. But my main reason is this. I have friends that have a different orientation than myself. Whom I have and always will love. They love me the SAME. Nothing about the way they love has ever seemed fake or lesser to my way of love. As a Christian unfortunately a lot of times we make judgements on how we are SUPPOSED to feel. Even if it's never said outside you struggle between the two. Love and judgement.
I choose today to love love. Unconditionally.