You are not alone...

I was first diagnosed with Bipolar when I was 17 years old... very few are actually aware of this because... well.. the answer is easy... I didn't tell anyone.

It was bad enough that I had struggled with "depression and ADD" since I was 11 and been medicated since 15 when I had my first thoughts of suicide...

I was a girl, that was embarrassed and often used the excuse "I dont want to use a pill to be happy! If I'm not happy in my own I'm not supposed to be!"

My poor parents.. to have to watch their child self sabotage and dig deeper into a hole where she couldn't breathe... the strength these two people I proudly call mine had... I will never understand...

My dad bargained with me through high school to take my pills which often?... ended up in the back of my nightstand drawer... poor guy didn't even know till I was 19.

So when I was diagnosed with Bipolar and anxiety disorder I said screw that. Now dont get me wrong I had a fabulous Psychiatrist who tried to explain that it wasnt like in the movies or how Hollywood has portrayed it which in turn has caused alot of negativity with it's mention...

"She's bipolar??? Oh God.." people automatically think its black and white to set you off. 

I was included in this group of thinkers.

I imagined a stringy haired horror movie character rocking back and forth and going from screaming to laughing. I think every teenager in existence makes crazy jokes like this. I was included...

Number one -
I am not Bipolar... I HAVE Bipolar.
This one took me years to grasp. 

That it was not a character flaw or a defect in my very self. 

It's like having a cold. Would you say I'm a cold? No you would say I have a cold.
It is an illness, nothing more. Nothing less
Just like any long term illness you cant cure it, but you can treat it.

Number two -
I am not crazy. Growing up I stated that I didn't have Bipolar because I didn't want people to look at me like I was crazy.
*Again with the horror movies and Hollywood portrayals*
It took only a few months shy of my 30's for me to accept...
I AM NOT CRAZY!!!!

I feel things stronger, more intense and often it can be way too heavy of a feeling... that does not make me crazy, it makes me passionate

I have days I feel fear for no apparent reason, with this cloud of impending doom over my head... that does not make me crazy, it makes me cautious.
Do I have ups and downs that alot of people dont have? Sure. Absolutely.  You bet.... that does not make me crazy, that makes me ridiculously unique.

When I was diagnosed, I tried mood stabilizers and at 17... I hated that it took the mania away from me... not recognizing that the mania was what was creating most of my problems...

When I was manic...

I was on top of the world.
There was nothing I couldn't do. (I had a feeling of being invincible. During this time, I did alot of drinking) drinking, drugs (my choice was pills) and acting out sexually are common during manic stages. This actually wasnt explained to me until I was 28.
I had zero fear of any situations.
I was a habitual liar.
I didn't care who I hurt during my "binge"
I was insanely self absorbed
I self sabotaged
I had zero care for my own life or others
If anyone expressed upset I would either laugh or turn the upset to rage directed at them instead...
I would do things with no thoughts to the consequences later on...

And then... inevitably... when the mania ends... and it always ends... whether it be 2 hours, 2 weeks or two months later you fall.... and the pit i fell into was so deep that I couldn't even see daylight...

I felt worthless.
I felt like there is nothing i could do..  I screw up everything...
I felt scared. All the time.
I hid from everyone around you, either from not remembering how horribly I treated them or beyond embarrassed for how horribly I treated them.
I set out with a completely different form of self sabotage..

I had a different form of not caring about my life.
My rage was now directed at me and how I felt about myself wasnt fair.
And sadly.. due to all of the things that had bore no consequences for that time had all piled up and I felt 500,000 times worse for them.

When that crash, that so many people I know understand hits you, you cant function. 

You cant breathe. 

You cant live...

It took 13 years, 3 kids and 2 suicide attempts for me to finally understand that... although the mania is bomb, and it is exciting and takes all inhibitions away from your heart and makes you feel so free.. It really didn't... 

I was slave to the mania... and worse?... 

I was the slave to the spiral into the darkness that followed...

Being medicated - 

Is my life quite as "exciting" as it is when I'm unmedicated?
Probably not.

Do I get quite as excited over silly little things like I used to?
No not really.

Am I as ridiculously outgoing as I used to be where I knew no stranger and would for real invite strangers into my car or over to my house?
Not at all.

But am I happy?
Yes.

Am I stable?
Yes.

Am I myself?
For the first time ever...
Yes.

I survived the storm. And every day I am still surviving...

When you feel all alone, know that you're not... know that you have support... even if its here at diaryofdepressedhousewife.

“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.” ~ Haruki Murakami

I am not a failing mother

My family was invited to church this morning by someone in my adult life that has become my friend but while growing up she was just as much a mother to me as she was her own child. She saw me at my best,  sadly sometimes at my worst,  always told me the truth without holding back but always in love without intention to cause pain. And just like a mother she always had an intuition and even when I didn't know it she was always there just when I needed her to be or just in some small act made me feel less alone. As always her intuition could not have been better. The timing for this service couldn't have been more spot on.

The service was a pretty intense one for me in my personal state. Every single bit from the comedy to the nitty gritty I heard myself speaking the words within my own heart...
The main part that really effected me was comparing myself to other moms... I have done this for as long as I can even remember and honestly I think I may have done that since prenatal stages with Kyden...

This mom fed her kid healthy.
My kids? Ramen, spaghetti-os and frozen corn dogs a couple times a week. 
This mom has a bin of age appropriate games all set up and her kids are never idol.
My kids were lucky if I didn't stick in a video game just to get them to leave me alone for 20 minutes and stop asking the same question over.. and over..
This mom always had a clean house.
Mine? Yeah freaking right. Conversation ended.
This mom limited TV time to 30 minutes a day as to not rot her kids brains.
My kids brains are probably goo at this point...

I don't just compare myself to every mom out there.. I compared myself to every thing from every mom at the same time... I was failing.  Horribly. 

My kids throw fits.
My kids argue.
My kids hate brushing their teeth.
My oldest can't tie his shoes yet.
Getting them to brush their teeth is like pulling them.
Sometimes I lie and say I'm going to the bathroom just so I can lock the door and sit there and try not to think about how absolutely, I'm screwing them up because I'm not parenting right.

Just two weeks ago I about had a break down while yelling and crying in Daniel's direction about never going to be that mom... *seriously the timing was amazing* so when I heard... with my own ears... that other moms feel the same way I decided to admit, outside my own home that I feel it but not expecting much to change within myself.

Then this mom... this friend held my hand and for some reason I broke inside...

I broke for feeling like a failure.
I broke for feeling like I was worthless.
I broke for feeling like I was incapable.
I broke for holding onto it for as long as I have.
I broke for feeling so alone in feeling it...

I cried like a big ol baby till I had no tears left to cry which was crazy because if you know me,
A. I HATE crying in front of people *I'm and ugly crier haha*
B. It came from nowhere and I wasnt expecting it!

When I was done I felt like a completely different person. I felt.... more joyful...

For the first time celebrating a mothers day I fully embraced my children's childlike views of myself, and I TRULY enjoyed myself and my family's company in celebration of me without feeling embarrassed or ashamed.

Psalm 34:18
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

They will be kind...

Today I had to take a breath... and admit that I was wrong...

Our boys being so close in age has always been a gift and something that we saw as a silver lining in the chaos of pregnancy and an infant. All I used to ever say is

"they will be best friends growing up. They'll never be alone."

I didn't think about the fact that they are still siblings and that they are two completely different little humans. That Kyden is a vocal, outgoing, caring, (not so good at losing) overachiever. Where as Parker is more laid back, go with the flow, shy and could care less if he wins as long as the person he's playing with is happy. 

You'd think that this mixture would be good no real fights is what you'd assume...

They... never... stop... fighting....

You may think I'm over reacting when I say this... if you do, I challenge you to ask one person who has been around them how they are with them. Then ask them how often I spout out with sarcastic guilt filled lines just to get them to listen to me and stop...

"Why do I speak?! I mean really nobody cares what mom says anyways!"

"No you're not sorry! If you were you would stop when I ask!"

"Omg! I give up! I don't care but if either of you comes crying to me I will NOT feel bad for you so just dont!" (That one's a lie too ha)

I think often times as a stay at home mom, I forget it's ok to walk away when I'm overwhelmed. When I've had three nights of no sleep with a sick baby, it's ok to shut her door and let her scream and take a moment so I don't "lose my mind". When my boys wont stop fighting, wont eat what I've made, and it feels like nobody hears or cares what im saying or feeling, I can walk away. By not walking away I make the wound larger and it begins to fester. Not only in myself but in my kids....

I don't want my kids to grow up in a world of guilt... I don't want them to grow up feeling like all someone has to do is guilt them and they feel obligated to do what's asked. Do they need to listen when told something? Yes, but I need to handle it more like an adult and less like a snotty 13 year old.

I love my kids. All three of them. Even when I want to pull, my hair out, or hide in the bathroom when I hear them yelling my name for the 9000th time that day, even when I sneak and hide nutella because if they knew I had it it'd be gone. Like gone gone. :) I love them not because I have to, not out of obligation and not out of guilt. I love them because they are the most wonderful things that ever happened to me they are the most wonderful gifts entrusted to me. But their lives are not mine to ruin and fill with self doubt, rejection and fear. Their lives are theirs that I was entrusted with to raise to be strong, loving, positive, crazy fabulous humans. :)

My boys fight... but one day I know, that they will be best friends and nothing will ever separate them. Not because I demanded it... because I encouraged it :)

My life means more...

3,392 days. That's how many days it took.
3,393 days ago I tried to commit suicide.  3,393 days ago I took a handful of pills and fell asleep.  3,393 days ago I hurt my family.  3,393 days ago I swore I would never do this again. 
39 hours.  39 hours ago,  I was in the back seat of a car being rushed to the hospital...
39 hours ago I stopped after swallowing three handfuls of pills and realized I didn't want to die...
39 hours ago I cried because every mistake is made stared me in my face and I actually allowed myself to think my family was not worth pain.  Getting help.  The repercussions of my actions. 
39 hours ago I thought everyone would be better off without me...
I was placed in the ICU... I was watched like a hawk.. I was placed under 24/7 watch....
I had blood tests on the hour, and ivs hooked up had shot after shot in my stomach... I swallowed charcoal... charcoal meant to make me vomit... and I fell asleep... I woke up to an angry husband, trying to hold it together. Three children who were missing out... and parents looking at me trying to understand why.... I wish I could explain why...
Tonight I'm in a room with a camera... I can't even go pee without the bathroom door open and supervision... I have paper trash bags, and can't wear my own clothes...
Tomorrow... I go to psychiatric facility. I will be monitored and go through alot of therapy... I'm told it will be the best for me. I'm told I do not have an option.
I will go with an open mind that things will be better. This is a step that unfortunately I have to take. I have to do it for me. I have to do it for my marriage. I have to do it for my kids.
I will beat this. I will bounce back... just please pray for me... but more so... pray for my husband... for his peace and strength in this moment. For my children.... that they know I love them....

I shared those words a short 3 weeks ago. It feels like months...
I have had to learn and grow. I've had to make changes to better myself. Better my mind.

I was an intense drinker when I was in my late teens. My world revolved around alcohol and caffeine pills. I didn't do much without drinking. I had struggled for many years with depression and drinking made me forget my problems and made everything more fun... so I told myself. Didn't matter what mistakes I made while drinking or the relationships I harmed with my drinking. When I was 19 I had my first go round trying to commit suicide. I felt that everyone was hurt by me and frankly that I ruined anything and anyone around me. Unfortunately the day I made that decision I was highly intoxicated. Thankfully I lived.
When my parents moved me to Oklahoma from my home town in Iowa my drinking had lessened and things seemed to get better.
A few short weeks after I met my husband I made the stupid decision to go out and drink. I drank. And drank. And didn't have much memory the next day of what had gone on. Thankfully I had found a man that loved me through it.
On December 31st, 2009 I was angry about something and picked up a beer. As I went to lift it to my mouth I realized my problem. I always drank to distract myself... I always drank when I was angry... I walked to the sink and poured it out.
I realized, I was in fact an alcoholic. I decided I was not going to drink any more.
I went years without touching a drop. I got married... Had a couple kids... the first time I drank my second son was about a year old and I got one drink in and my arms throbbed. I couldn't drink without a burning sensation shooting through my arms. So I really didn't drink.
I had one night in 2014 that I got pretty drunk and had to be embarrassed the next day when I reminded myself again, why I didn't drink.

So when July of 2016 rolled around my life got all kinds of twisted. I craved alcohol daily. If a bottle of wine was in my fridge I'd have to fight myself not to touch it.
When we lost our house in July I unfortunately lost my mind. I had been struggling with depression for over a year but due to our financial situation I didn't feel like I could tell my husband.
I told myself, we can't afford a doctor... we can't afford for me to take meds... we can't afford for me to go to counseling...
I started drinking.
At one of my best friends wedding which I was in I stood up to do my speech and I was intoxicated and had to focus to not slur.
When my husband and I would fight I'd open a bottle.
When I went out for a girls night, everyone else was sober and Emily was the drunk.
I knew I was spiraling out of control but didn't feel like I could slow it down. Didn't feel like I could tell anyone. I was fighting a war by myself and losing...

The night before my daughters 1st birthday party... three of my friends and I were setting up decorations and making the cake. More they were and I of course was drinking.... I was officially out of control... I played off sober and drove home... something I thank God everyday didn't end someone else's life..

I called my husband in a complete loss of everything and ended up on my bedroom floor.... in tears... so tired.
I took a bunch of pills and locked myself in the bathroom... at that moment I thought of my children. My beautiful boys and gorgeous girl and I hated myself more... who was I to take myself away from them?! They didn't know this me that I fought they knew the me that they love and is always there!
I panicked and thankfully my husband and a friend of mine got me to the hospital in time...

It's been a long road.. full of a lot of tears, anger and pain... I learned I can't fight alone. I've learned I can't be embarrassed.

I've quit drinking. My husband poured out every drop in the house. He graciously quit drinking with me.
I take my meds, the way I'm suppose to.
When I'm having a bad day, I talk about it and usually cry.

I've stopped holding in my pain.
I've stopped fighting alone.

I realize I need support to battle my demons and I'm proud of myself that I'm brave enough to admit it.

I don't love myself yet... But everyday I feel a little bit closer... I feel a little more worth fighting for...
I have a better relationship with my husband and kids than I've had in a long time...

I share all of this with hopes that just one person finds solace in this. One person turns and says, I need help...
Nobody needs to fight alone...

I don't know you, but I will fight with you.
Because we are worth it...

Time crept up on me...

Days like today hurt...
The days I look at my baby girl,  4 days from turning one and giving myself the silent reminder that she is my last baby.
Days that I look at my boys and realize at 4 and 5 that they have developed an independence in so many things that I feel a little less needed.
Days that I feel like life is passing by just a bit to fast.
These are the days that I think back on being a kid and having my parents tell me to stop wanting to grow up so fast because one day I won't be able to slow it down, and to believe them that I'd want to.
They warned me.
I have had to have the discussion with my boys when they have said to me "mom I'm not your baby, I'm a kid" and explain to them that they will in fact always be my babies... even when they are 28 like me.
I look back on my life and think of the times I couldn't wait to be grown and make my own decisions. How I felt time move so slowly.
Now I'd give back every moment of begging for it to speed up just to have it slow down.
One day my children will look at me and be wishing the exact same thing... and I will repeat the line my mother told me...
Stop trying to grow up so fast because one day you won't be able to slow it down even if you want to...
Right now I'll hold on tight... because I don't ever want them to let go...
But I'll watch them change into amazing individuals, and teach them to succeed. They will be great. They will surprise even me, their biggest fan with their abilities.
But for now... I'll keep begging time to just slow down...

A letter to 16 year old me...

Girl,
I have to sit here and write this down. All of the things, I really need you to know.
I see you feeling insecure and self conscious I see you doing things out of your character. I know you want them to like you but if they don't like the bubbly, off set, weird girl that I know, then they're not worth knowing.
If they don't love the fact that you are endlessly naive, sickeningly sweet and that you dance at the most ridiculous times then they aren't worth loving in the first place.
If you have to pretend to be someone you aren't to get those people to like you, then the ones out there who are just like you will never find you...
I know you feel like you really need that boy to like you. But what you need is to just slow down. You're only going to be this young once and one day you will miss it.
Sweetheart, your heart is going to get broken... actually a couple of times. Don't grab on to that wrong one and expect that you'll change him. He shouldn't want you to change, so don't expect it from him.
Just take your time...
Don't go and get yourself involved in the wrong things. It's not going to make things better, it's only going to make things worse. Later on I promise you will live with alot of regret.
Focus on your family and friendships, they are the only important things to focus on in your life right now.
Spend time with that best friend of yours. One day he won't be there. I know that you don't believe that now.. you're probably sitting there laughing at this. I know you feel inseparable but he's hurting more than he let's on.  I hate the day that hits you... you will never forget that day. It will live with you forever.
Don't put those babies down, soon enough they won't want to be held dear, those boys will tear the castle down :). Seriously don't try it get that child to walk to early... he'll just start running...
Don't ever hide your feelings girl, I know you feel so much.. long ago you found yourself and your people found you. They don't care if you are endlessly naive, sickeningly sweet or that you dance at the most ridiculous times... they don't care that you cry at sloppy movies, that you love uncontrollably,  or that sometimes you lose control. They will be there to scoop you up even when you don't realize you've fallen and they will hold you while you cry.
Your people love you for you. Take away everything else and that in itself is enough.

Bully stay away from me...

Depression is a very real problem in our society. It can be intimidating to people and change you day by day as the person going through it.
We have young children only 4 years older than my son taking the permanent leap to end the confusing feelings within them and to run from painful words spoken to them from people who simply do not understand.
Children live daily in a world where they feel anxiety the moment they wake up that they will not be good enough... that they will be picked on, walked away from and pushed around.
My boys are in school, pre-k and kindergarten. They are what is supposed to be a blissful age of curiosity and adventure. They are supposed to find friends in everyone. Because of course children unlike adults know no race, religion, gender or orientation.
This is the time of their lives for them to soar and be molded into the kind, confident and strong young citizens our world needs.
Unfortunately I have seen what the world does to our children... I am a mother of a victim of bullying...
Last year my oldest son was in pre-k and had never been more excited to start an adventure. His second day of school he told me as we pulled up in front of the school that I needed to stay in the car cause he wanted to walk in by himself.
My son was confident and proud. I cried. :)
The second week of school I witnessed bullying happening to some small children by the older children. I opened my mouth and was even bullied myself. Me a grown woman, a mother was bullied by a 5th grader who seemingly felt his sole purpose was to belittle those around him... that was a different feeling for me. I had a conversation with the principal and felt confident that I was the best mom ever and I stood up and took care of the situation and just like that my son was safe.
Fool me....
About a month later I get a call from my mother... my parents were keeping my boys overnight. When she called I thought it was a normal goodnight call I get from my kids every time they spend the night at my folks house. Boy was I wrong. My mom called me to discuss a conversation her and my 4 year old had just had. My 4 year old had opened up a expressed to his grandmother that there were boys on the playground that punched him every day at school. And every day he let them and never told a soul...
When she put my son on the phone and I asked him why he hadn't told me, he started crying... I told him he needed to tell his teacher any time someone put hands on him and to stay away from those boys. His reply broke my entire being into a million pieces...
"I'm sorry mommy... but I have to have somebody to play with. They won't play with me if I don't let them!"
Oh my heart.
This beautiful, sensitive, intelligent, loving little boy had lost his confidence. 
I hadn't noticed. 
I hadn't asked.
Being the mommy again that I am I went to the school demanded a meeting with the principal and made it clear to the receptionist my son would not be attending class until I got my meeting. 
I got my meeting.
I fixed it!
Or so I thought...
From that point on we had some difficulties at home. He had more temper tantrums, more anger,  more tears...
What was happening to my son?...
Then I got a horrible understanding one day as I arrived early to the school and the kids were still outside...
There was group of kids all playing together laughing.. running..
And then there was my son... all alone digging in the dirt...
"I'm sorry mommy... but I have to have somebody to play with!"
Those words... those sad, confused words...
My little boy had these kids at age 4 who either had to punch you to be included or you had to be all alone...
My little social butterfly.... with no ability to be social...
It's been a year, he's at a new school,  has friends,  but he still cries if he has a bruise on his face thinking kids will laugh at him... my child still worries everyday that someone won't like him...
We as a society are unintentionally failing our children....
Phrases being thrown around even in jest we are showing or children is ok to say because it's funny... I'm even to blame for that...
"Boys will be boys"
"Fight like a man"
"You idiot"
"Your retarded"
"You punk"
Verbal, emotional, physical... any type of bullying... hurts...
We have since talked about the importance of all of this. I have drilled that nobody touches him in a way that makes him hurt, or uncomfortable.  I have pushed that if anyone does he goes to an adult. I have also educated that we never want to hurt anyone the way he was hurt and that if we ever saw someone being treated badly we don't just stand there and turn away. We tell an adult.
As parents we need to instill in our children that it's not embarrassing to tell someone if someone is mean to you. That it doesn't make them a cry baby. It makes them human. Little humans who hurt...
Encourage your child to be one of the children who sticks up for those bullied. Child suicide has to stop and it's our turn to bring up children who change the world.