2015 you showed me something more

2015. What can I say about you? I really am having bittersweet emotions about you now.

You started off with a blessing of finding out I was pregnant. That was pretty amazing.

Then swiftly after gave us a trial that was extensive, intense and quite frankly. Long.
Daniel's injury followed by multiple complications with my pregnancy leading to a car accident. Making me doubt my abilities as a wife and a mother.

But in those moments you gave us the visual emotional and physical evidence of amazing friends that we have. From being blessed financially, emotionally, with food, childcare, parties to celebrate baby Kass (even though at times i struggled to celebrate my pregnancy myself), baby items, easter baskets, maternity clothes, baby clothes, items to sell in a garage sale, rides, visits, even just the willingness to want to help or even the desire if they were unable.

And for me what many of our friends gave me was space.
Thank you for that.

By August I was ready for you to leave 2015.

I felt out of place and pretty useless at 32 weeks pregnant being unable to work, or drive. Feeling overwhelmed with another litter of puppies (no more by the way, she's fixed ;))

My own insecurities caused great issues in my relationship with my husband. I was angry at you 2015...

Then came October.  I went into labor two days before my scheduled c section. And I was blessed with a beautiful gift. My baby girl.
For her I will be eternally grateful to you 2015.

You can leave now. Don't worry I will never forget you. For as many amazing moments, terrible moments and moments that you opened my eyes to the beautiful people around me. I have learned. I promise I will remember you fondly.

I do hope 2016 and I enjoy our time together more though! ;)

Was it a wasted day?

Today I had a good day with my kids. And I mean a seriously good day.

I noticed yesterday those don't happen very often...

I remember when I was younger and I told people I wanted to have all my kids before I was thirty because I wanted to be that mom that got down on the ground and made mud pies with her kids. Danced in the rain with her kids. Made cookies with her kids.

Then I became a mom...

Everything became harder than I ever expected it to. How you can go from an almost completely clean kitchen to an overwhelming disaster in a matter of an hour is beyond me. Or how no matter how many loads of laundry you do the mountain just keeps growing. And why dear God why did you bless me with a house that had white carpet. (Note that I said had).

Becoming a mom has become a lot less mothering my children and more about cleaning up after them.

My boys go out in the backyard to play and I stay in to try to tackle that unfolded pile of clothes on the love seat. Sorry boys no bike riding today. I can't go out front with you.

Yesterday I was sitting playing candy land with them and noticed myself getting frustrated with my three year old parker, for taking to long to take his turn. Didn't he know I wanted to get the living room cleaned up?
While we played I couldn't stop thinking about cleaning the living room to surprise my husband. I needed to at some point go through their clothes and get rid of the too smalls because their closet is overflowing. Those toys that are pouring out of their closet, I need to get to those too. Oh and I've been needing to bleach the shower.
I caught myself looking at my three year old utterly exasperated and saying
"if you do not sit down and play the game you will NOT BE playing the game. I have things to do son!"

Way. To. Go. Mom.

At that moment I realized that I do not devote my time with my children to them. Or even me.
I couldn't remember the last time spending time with my kids was just me spending time with them, enjoying them, playing with them...

Then I felt guilty. What happened to the fun mom from my plan. The one that wanted her children to always feel secure. The one that her kids would look back on and say my mom was the most incredible mom in the world and I knew she was always there for me.
What happened to the mom who wanted to dance in the rain with her kids or go out and get all muddy?

What happened to that mom?

She had three kids.
Three beautiful babies who deserve her attention to be 100% every now and then.
She has a house that doesn't want people to see a mess. 
She has a husband she wants to think she has it all under control.
She has children who make messes. :) that one is a real shocker.

So today I played with my kids.  We tickled and played hide and seek.  Ate chips and slim jims. And drank sweet tea.

My living room need picked up, clothes need rotated, dishes need loaded. But right now I put my kids to bed. I hear them in there giggling watching a movie and I feel peace. My house is a mess but my children are laughing :)

A completely wasted day :)
Is what most would view it.
To me?
It's one of the fullest I've had in a long time.

My life

When I was a kid and I was asked what I wanted to be when I grow up I always had the same answer.
A wife and mother.
Oh the attitude and looks I would get. 
"No what do you want to be?  Dream bigger!"
Sure I would love to sing in front of millions, spend a summer in Paris, swim with whales or climb a mountain.  But although all that would be a blast none of those were bigger dreams than my husband and kids were. 
Now, did anybody tell me motherhood would be difficult?  Problems would arise, I would have sleepless nights,  I would cry,  scream and some days really need a break?
Not really.
We as women fantasize babies, wanting sweet smelling heads, tiny fingers and a sleeping bundle in your arms. We spend alot of time NOT thinking about all of the things not so fun. Poop, puke, sick days, screaming nights, tantrums, growing up... the list goes on and on.
How about marriage? Anybody warn you that the honeymoon phase doesn't last forever?
Relationships take work. Everyday you wake up and make the choice to love your spouse unconditionally. When you get married you vow to love each other through the good and bad,  sickness and health. 
I am happily married to a wonderful man and a momma to three beautiful babies. I wouldn't trade them for anything in the world. But even me, a long time dreamer of a family can get overwhelmed. Sometimes you ask the question "how would my life be different if..."
No I am not a horrible mother. No I am not resentful of my family.  Sometimes your mind just wanders to the unknown
This does not make a horrible parent.
This does not make me a horrible wife.
I love my family more than life itself and would never choose anything over them.
This year was a hard year for our family.  The hardest we have ever had.
Between my pregnancy, my husbands injury, bills piling, my accident.. I began to wonder sometimes if I was a strong enough person a GOOD enough person to hold tight and get through it. There were times I wanted to run and hide under a rock.  Ha.
But in all seriousness I did mentally start to lose it...
I felt like a horrible mother, an even worse wife and struggled with my inner being. Felt like I was lying to everyone. I wasn't ok and was faking till I made it a little to much.
Now?
I still have alot of work to do for me. I've started playing my guitar again and that right there after a 3 year break is huge. Though my fingers hate me ;)
I'm close to the close on my real estate classes and am hoping it week be a good firm of outlet as well for me. 
2015 isn't over yet and I had a baby.
She is beautiful and sweet smelling. Also she gives me sleepless night and spit up. ;)
I have 2 boys that love her to the moon and back.
I have a husband who has never been more smitten. (Not even with me ;))
Even when it's overwhelming and I'm scared, there is nothing I would change an out these 4 people in my life.

My love for my sons

To my bear and my fish...

I wish for everything in the world for you.
I want you to reach every dream you dream, have the strongest faith in yourselves, take every opportunity that you are given while taking the ones that don't even seem obvious. 

I want you to always know that even two decades younger than me, you two will forever be and have been since the day you were born, my heros.
You gave me something I had no idea I was missing, healed me from things I didn't know we're broken and continue daily to teach me things I never thought I'd need to know.
You make me smile on gloomy days and taught me to be thankful for even the most inconvenient of things.

There is nothing more in this world I consider a greater success than being your mommy.
There is nothing I could do and no amount of money I could ever make that could take away the knowledge that YOU two are my greatest accomplishments.

You two are two of the very first breaths I ever took in my life. I am blessed because God gave you to me. I am blessed because despite all my mistakes you love me unconditionally.

I am proud of the boys you are.
I am proud of the men you will be.
I love you to the moon and back.

-Mommy

Appearances can be amiss.

I grew up on a phrase.

Fake it till you make it and eventually you'll believe it yourself.

When you're sick act like you feel like a thousand dollars and at the end of the day, you'll see that you feel better than you did at the beginning.

When you're heart has been broke, laugh and you will see you won't feel so much like crying.

When you feel like a failure, ACT like nothing in this world can hold you down and at some point you'll see you can succeed even if you feel like you can't.

I have always and still do follow this pattern strictly.

I remember my husband and I had only been married about 3 or 4 months the first time he saw the fake it till you make it face. We were mid serious discussion, when my at the time 5 year old cousin walked in the room. My husband who wears his heart on his sleeve who couldn't tell you he's fine if he's not even if his life depended on it found this act to be an irritation. He didn't like that I could flip a switch and click not a soul could see anything was wrong with me.

As I got older, had kids, my husband and I had a mortgage, car payments and mouths to feed my strong fake it till you make it dependency kicked into overdrive. My acting calm cool and collected was what held my little world together.
If I'm calm, my kids don't ever have to live with a stressful environment.
If I'm calm, my husband is given an added support to his strength because I had this never faltering faith that everything always worked out if I just spoke it into existence. And he could have that knowing that I was always there backing him.
If I'm calm, nobody will ever see that I'm not really as strong as I appear.

I remember this spring when Daniel got hurt. We lost my income and quite a bit of his for quite some time. In the beginning I was able to hold my fake it till you make it "everything will work itself out" mentality. But as time continued on and things added up a bit more here and there it became a struggle.

Some days I felt like I couldn't even stay afloat inside my own body.

We would see friends, family, doctors, even random strangers who spoke to us in passing and anyone that asked how things were my immediate response belted out "we're doing great!" Big huge smile on my face.
"Daniel's doing wonderful, getting better everyday. He's doing so well at his physical therapy!"
"The boys are helping so much and they have been so helpful!"
"Baby is growing right on schedule, yes I am so excited for when she gets here."

What was really inside my head that was an itch I couldn't scratch as I was speaking?

"We're hanging on by a thread. Daniel feels helpless and is losing hope. His knee gives him so much pain and everyday he goes to bed angry that he hurts. He pushes harder than he should to get back to work faster because he's anxious about money. I feel like I can't even reach him anymore."

"The boys are trying so hard but with everything going on they aren't getting attention they need and are acting out. I don't know how to fix where I'm going wrong. There's only one of me."

"Yes this baby is coming. She was and is wanted but now the timing is so unfortunate and I don't know how to juggle everything that has to be done and pregnancy. I already feel like I'm depriving the children I have walking the planet how am I supposed to add another to the mix. They all depend on me."

"I'm not doing so well. Some days I feel like I want to pull my hair out, scream, cry, tell everyone in the world to screw themselves and leave me alone. Some days I feel like I'm not going to survive this. No I dont want to hear about how everything will get better, or how everything will work out. Right now I'm drowning and out of oxygen."

But again what's my response?
"It's going good."

Why? Because if I told my friends and family where my mind actually stood they would worry about my sanity. And I would hear more and more that all to annoying question "are you ok?"
If I told the stranger on the street they would probably run from the crazy lady with the messed up emotions.

To keep others calm I remain calm. Keeps my little world turning.

Does this make me two faced? I don't know.
Does this make me a hypocrit? I'd like to think not.
We all have a hidden being within ourselves. The being that's not held together that we never let anyone see. The one that is actually falling apart at the seams that is hidden by the reflection of the strength that is shining through.

Sometimes she does break. Sometimes she does demand an audience. Sometimes I have to listen to what she says, acknowledge that she has been heard and push her back down. She may be ratty and worn out and look twenty years older. She's the piece of me I protect. The piece of me that is fearful, vulnerable, insecure, unacceptable and tired.

We all have her. She's nothing to be ashamed of.

Week 36

Week 36 day 5....
I waddle. Alot.
My husband in his sweet loving way as I was complaining a few days back about not fitting into anything looked at me and said "well babe you're huge." Don't think he thought that one through to well. Lol instantly he tried to change how he said it.
I don't sleep to we'll these days. It's either heartburn, gotta pee, pelvis pain, gotta pee, back pain oh or I gotta pee. Not to mention the two other kiddos already occupying a room in our house.
Our 3 year old wants held all the time. "Mommy I hold you!" No kid what you don't realize is its me holding you. And your sister. And my bladder.
I have severe back pain almost all the time, and actually have been experiencing some contractions the last 4 days. Which unfortunately has made the bathroom my new favorite hangout. 
Third trimester morning sickness does in fact exist. And I happened to get the fine opportunity to learn that this pregnancy. Yay! Go me!
My c section is still 2 weeks and 4 days away.... I feel my tummy... I feel the aches, pains and I have yet to be able to grasp how that's even a possibility.  Haha.
Daddy on the pregnancy countdown?  I think he's about as ready as me. I think he's ready for a calmer wife again and maybe the option to not always have to help a turtle roll over ;) right honey?
But light is at the end of the tunnel folks!

Suicide prevention

Today September 10th is an annual day to me that strikes a nerve and i believe deserves strong recognition. Suicide prevention day.

In 2007 after a few years of struggling with depression and having a few unfortunate situations show themselves, I had developed a strong addiction to alcohol. I drank to have fun, I drank to forget, I drank to... well... drink.
It hindered my social life with friends and family, hindered my work life... basically every single aspect of my life was warped and wrapped around my life of depression.

One July day unfortunately my guilt surrounded me. I believed that I was causing pain and conflict with those around me and I needed to make everything easier on them.
That afternoon after a few shots and a handful of pills I had my mother rushing me to the hospital on the phone with my dad. I Thankfully have a dear friend that knew me well enough that he knew something was up.

The next day is the worst when you realize you were wrong. That you weren't helping anyone. You were hurting them.

My best friend in 2009 tragically took his own life. I remember being angry at him and at everything around. It took years to talk about him in a non emotional way. I remember worrying about what domino effect his death would cause. But one of the strongest memories was my 13 year old brother looking at me after the funeral and saying "promise you won't ever try to do it again."

I wish all the time myself or someone else could have seen the signs. I wish all the time that just one word would have shot through my head as a warning. That he could have been stopped the way I was.

But today is a reminder to all that mental illness no matter what it's form exists. And that suicide can in fact be prevented. Those around you do care about you whether at the moment you feel it or not.

Help is always available. Seek it out please. Nobody has to feel alone.