Dont let your heart wander.

In the last two months I have seen a few people lose people that mean more than the world to them.
In the last few years I have lost a few people very important to me.
After each time of loss it is a normal thing to be refreshed that life can be gone in the blink of an eye and your loved ones can lose you or you lose them. But after a period of time the pain fades and we all jump back to normal and seem forget that fact...

Dont let your heart wander...

Dont let it wander from the love. Im not saying that in a you may stop loving kind of scenario. Im talking about not letting it wander to the point of not loving and living each day with your family and friends with the reassurance of that love.

I am one of those that do that... and after each death (some take longer to get over than others) I have that bounce back phase. Where I semi try to forget im order to stop the pain. Which pushes me to forget that sometimes life isn't as beautiful as I think it should be.

We shouldn't forget about those souls. We should celebrate what they have done for us.

When my best friend passed 5 years ago I was angry. Angry at him, angry at me and angry at everyone else. This was an incorrect action but its one of the steps to acceptance.  This I now know. I can now talk about him with great joy at great memories.  This is the correct action.

Yesterday when I found out about the death or another important person in my life, all those angry feelings came back. But today I am determined to not let her death be in vain. I refuse to harbor resentment or anger... I choose to rejoice in her LIFE. She had such a beautiful life.

I will not forget that even if ive told my kids 10 times in one day I love them 11 times wont hurt. That even if ive hugged and kissed my husband be for work already, one more for the road is ok. That patience and understanding even during a situation that I dont quite understand is important. 

I will not let my heart wander.
Don't let yours.

Sometimes we aren't going to understand...

This morning I woke up like I do every morning. It was just another day. The most depressing part was that my husbands vacation was over and he was back to work. Not going to lie I was pouting.  So little did I know this was going to be a very small tear in the pool of today...

A woman that I admire and look up to for many years, who helped me through very trying times in my life, who has always been there to lend a reassuring word even almost 600 miles away...

no longer is..

Her life was cut short do to a car accident... yes an accident... then why am I so angry?..

Im angry because at this moment knowing that one of the best people I have ever known who has a husband that would move heaven and earth for her and a house FULL of children that need her... love her... all I can think is the selfish judgmental thoughts..

WHY COULDN'T IT HAVE BEEN SOMEBODY ELSE!!!! WHY couldn't it have been one of those people that are horrible people?!

This may be cruel and terribly un Christian like but at this moment in my pain... I honestly can't care... please God  forgive me later...

How can our world survive when someone that is so life changing, wonderful, giving, compassionate and loving isn't around?

Shes not just one person. She was one person that touched more lives than I could ever dream of touching. She shared truths. Listened to fears. Encouraged dreams. Instilled patience.

She loved unconditionally.  You could be in the same room as her and her husband and feel yes FEEL the love pouring from them for each other...

How can that just go away...

I don't understand. .. I am honestly not sure I ever will... I'm mad... I'm struggling  see the larger purpose... in my eyes her purpose was to be here.  To be a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister and a friend...

I cant remember if I ever thanked you.  For everything or even anything... I regret if I didn't.

Thank you.  Thank you for helping to shape me into the woman I am today. Thank you for always believing I could be better. Thank you for showing me that life is meant to be shared and full of love and that being angry and lonely is just that... angry and lonely... I miss you, your family miss you... friends miss you... the world will miss you...

I thought I knew it all.

Before i was a mom I thought I knew it all.
I thought I knew the best technique for discipline.
I thought i knew how to do it all without being tired.
I thought I'd be organized.
I thought I wouldn't make mistakes.
I thought I'd have perfectly well behaved children.
I thought I'd put other moms to shame.

Yes this is shallow that I believed that I could be "better" than anyone else. But my only dream in life was to be a mom so I was going to succeed at being darn good at it.

And you know what? I am.

I mess up and lose my temper sometimes.  Wish I could take a raising of my voice "knock it OFF!" back.

But I apologize and my babies forgive me.

In that I succeed.

I am tired more often than not.

But I wake up every morning down my cup (maybe two) of coffee and start my day with my kiddos. Playing, reading, cleaning. Repeat.

In that I succeed.

I am one of the least organized people in this world. My brilliant memory I had before pregnancy never returned and without the help of my husband I wouldn't know where my keys (he thankfully set up a key clip for me so they are always in the same place), my ID, my sunglasses or even my belt were. Minimal things in our house have a home and the ones that do my husband set up for me ha.

So I personally dont succeed in that but I married a wonderful man that keeps my brain screwed on and with that I can say I succeeded even in my failure.

I make mistakes. Dozens of times a day. Multiple times in one hour sometimes.  I dont pay attention to some small things I should because I'm to busy focusing on things I've made bigger than I should have. Said things I shouldn't have. Made the wrong decisions thinking they were right.

But I did all of those things with the intention of doing the right thing and when they are wrong I learn from those mistakes. Theres new ones to learn from every day and I probably wont have them all figured out by the time my children are grown and on their own.

But by learning I succeed.

My children are NOT perfect and by expecting them to try to be I'm putting pressure on them they do not deserve.  They may not be perfect by what pre mommy me thought they should be but they are perfectly them.

In knowing that and accepting them how they are I have succeeded.

I no longer try to put other mothers to shame. I can't.  Each mother has their own battle they are fighting that isn't mine. They could sit there and put ME to shame. This ones house may be spotless but it takes a toll on her emotionally and physically to do it all. This one may have a messy house that brings her feeling of accomplishment down. This one may have a child with adhd and she feels embarrassed when her child causes problems in class. This one may have an autistic child and have to learn in whole different ways how to be a parent.
All of these mothers are different with different situations.  Some married, some single, some with families to help and some who are utterly alone.

I can't and won't judge them. I will be the listening ear and the hand to help them up when they need it. I am their fellow soldier fighting to better my child every day.

In that in have succeeded.

I look back now and laugh at myself for being so vain to think that in had it all figured out before I even had the opportunity to figure it out.

Thank goodness we have the opportunity to change our viewpoints throughout our lives.

Each day is a new exciting adventure and each day that I mess up and am tired I love the fact that I can look at the previous hours and not see monotony.

Thank goodness I still dont know it all.

Day of surprises

Todsy has been one of those days. That anxiety hits and the situation ends with you laughing like a crazy person. 

The day starts with my kids unfolding an entire load of clothes I JUST folded. As laugh as I ask WHY DO I EVEN TRY?!

It then turns to potty training gone wrong. I walk in the room to see my guy crawling all over the couch leaving behind?... you guessed it good old #2. Trying to hold him, clean him and keep his kid brother out of it=impossible. Drop child 1 in the tub run out to clean the couch. Success!  So I thought...

Apparently my one year old still moving around the edge of furniture and myself not is a really bad thing. ..

Sitting in the bathroom getting big brother out of the tub my one year old crawls in and touches my leg. I smell something foul look down and oh no...  I quickly spin around and see him covered face, hands, arms and tummy.

My first thought was it was his.. till I see it all across the side of the couch and he's got a clean diaper.

This is the moment. The first moment in my time being a mommy. Even though I have been through the flu and rotavirus THIS was the moment the thought popped into my head oh my god I can't do this.

Seriously? Wow. Haha

Right before nap I notice there's more on the back of the one year olds leg so?

Before they wake here I go.

Full house search

Wish me luck!

2 year old memos

Well my son is officially 2.
And when they say they hit terrible 2's immediately they aren't lying. I thought we had by 16 months.

I. Was. WRONG.

We had a fantastic day on his birthday. Went to see his gramma, oma amd opa and went to the lake.
Couldnt have been a more pleasurable day.

Then he woke up the next morning and must have gotten the memo of being 2. Haha

All the sudden my sweet helper is pushing his brother, when you tell him no he throws himself on the ground. ( bit only after getting to the carpet. He doesnt want to get hurt apparently.) Says "no mommy/daddy be nice!" .. For being told no...

Overnight y'all it happened overnight. Lol

But mornings like this bring out my smile.

Kyden has taught his little brother to mimic and finds it hysterical :) so he'll go ha ha ha really loud parker will then copy and then they break out in genuine laughter :)

My boys are getting so big and Parker wants to follow his big brother everywhere.

Hope his good 2 year old habits rub off and the bad ones hide lol.

Parker will get what I now know is a 1 ywar old memo soon enough :)

Blowout

Oh my goodness. So the funniest yet the most discussing thing happened today. My sons personality really showed

My youngest, Parker was wearing a onsie. I smelled that he was a little foul so I went to change him. Very unaware that it came out the back of his diaper.

So as I pulled his onsie off in order to not drop him (I was standing) I used my free arm that wasnt pulling the shirt and pulled him close to me. I pulled it over his head and said

"Man dude you stink"

At that moment kyden started cracking up. I don't mean laughing hard or just giggling, I'm talking full force laughing till his face turned read struggling to breathe falling over cracking up.

"Mommy parker poop"

Again intense laughter.

I then realize what was SO funny..  parker had not only had it on his back but pulling hus onsie off had pulled it through his hair and all over his arms..
The stench suddenly mad sense...
I was covered...

So my boys are now in the tub and even after scrubbing I think I may be headed there next.

I always told my husband once I became a mom my most used perfume would be poop puke and pee. :)

Birthday Blues

So... my itty bitty 4lb 11oz baby turns 2 in one week... and this momma has struggled with her inner self.

I turn 25 this year. In 16 days actually. And to most your probably laughing at me thinking "wow 25" but with a nearing 2 year old and right behind him a 1 year old this year is really hitting me.

It hit me a few weeks ago as I was thinking about throwing my husband a birthday party for his 25th a few months down the road that... some of my absolute favorite ppl in my life aren't here to spend mine with me...

Now should this have effected me like it did? No. I have a fabulous family, a wonderful husband and 2 beautiful baby boys to celebrate with me. But wheres the distraction from being another year older or that my nabies aren't babies they are toddlers?!? Lol

But today my week shy from being 2 year old came up to me and said "hold you?" And once I tucked him in my arms with his little farmer tanned arms around my neck he said "love you mommy." Then pulled back and grinned his cheesy grin. That cheesy grin that he wouldn't have if he wasnt almost 2.

Today held that moment. That one moment every mommy gets every once in a while to remind them its ok the babies grow up.

Thank you my ky-bear for making mommy happy today that time moves forward :)