It's ok...

Today I hit an all time low.

For over a month I've worked to stay positive,  patient, tolerant, loving, understanding. Heck I've put every waking moment into just being quiet.

Don't say the wrong thing, don't make anyone mad, keep everyone from yelling. Oh gosh my head hurts...

In trying so hard to hold everything else together I forgot to hold myself together. And today... that fact showed it's ugly teeth...

I hit breaking point.

Now I thought I already had weeks ago when I'd call my aunt crying, getting in the car and bawling my eyes out in the few moments I had to myself to hide away...

I was SO wrong...

Breaking point isn't when you can hold it together in front of people slap on that cheerful positive "face" and keep moving...
It's when you can't cover it up anymore, where you don't want to move, don't want to feel, don't want to listen to anyone.

Today, I shut down. I screamed, I cried, I for the first time in my life as a mommy looked at my big eyed boys who were all over me trying to comfort me and yelled at them to just leave alone.... I have grown overwhelmed and frustrated that I have a life inside of me and cussed God out asking one simple question. "WHY NOW?!"

Rock bottom... that's where I hit... a darkness I'm not even sure how I got to. Resentment and anger lays deep inside me and all I want to do is scream...

I am depressed.

Honest words from an honest mommy.

Words I have refused to speak out for fear of how others would look at me.
"Your pregnant and have two beautiful boys what do you have to be depressed about?"

I. don't. know.

Honestly in a lot of ways I've asked myself that very question and gotten even more angry because I feel like a selfish horrible person.

But I'm not.

I'm depressed.

I'm not some heartless soul who doesn't care about her kids, I cry daily with the fact that I hate them seeing me so weak. .. so mean...

I'm depressed.

I don't tell this for sympathy in any way. I'm getting the help that's needed. I'm in enough of my right mind to recognize that I needed that.

I tell this story for the one reason of... you can have every happiness in the world and still struggle with something as baffling as depression.  It doesn't mean that I don't care about my husband or my kids. It means that I am hurting. And like any physical pain it's hard to see past the pain...

It's OK to hurt.
It's OK to cry.
But it's also important to see what you can handle and get help when you can't do it alone anymore.

Blessings to all.

Journey

It's been a while since I've been on here and much has happened.
First off we were blessed with the ability to announce that I am pregnant. We are hopeful for a long tried for girl to add to our boys :).

My husband was severely injured and tore everything in his knee. He had to have in depth surgery on his ACL, MCL, LCL and both meniscus. The surgery went well but the aftermath is grim for him and our family.

One moth ago I got a call from him while I was out of town informing me of the injury. So our boys and I loaded up and drove home. After taking him into the ER they made it out like a tiny tear and that he could return to work in three days but to make a follow-up appointment with our physician. 
Three days later he still couldn't walk and his physician sent him to an orthopedic specialist. Even the specialist assumed tear of the mcl and possible meniscus and ordered an MRI.
His results came back a week and a half after the injury and my husband still couldn't walk as he crutched his way into the exam room. The specialist came in and was very silent as he read the MRI.
Daniel had done a great job of staying positive during this time that he'd just need a little time to heal. Me? I guess I was a little pessimistic. ..
The doctor turned and informed us that Daniels injury was far worse than he expected and that he even had a 30% chance of amputation on an injury like his... he needed surgery and was looking at a 6 month recovery.
He was scheduled for last Friday for surgery. After surgery with two blocks and three meds in his system the staff couldn't get his pain under control. The doctor told me that he was able to do everything he was wanting but he had never in his career seen anything like it.

So now. He struggles with pain, he struggles with movement, he struggles to sleep... with that all he struggles with his attitude...

To add on top I'm unable to work cause I have to take care of him and the kids, and he is obviously unable to work. So I think that sinks in on him pretty bad. I know it does me...

Prayers are appreciated during this dark journey.  Especially for my dear husband...

from that first moment

so any of you moms out there, or soon to be moms will be able to relate with this.

Remember all the times you heard, "get sleep in now, as soon as the baby gets here that won't ever happen again."

or how about this one.

"When you have kids your body will never be the same. You'll never put on a bikini again."

or this one...

"you will never feel more pain than when having a baby. It's excruciating, exhausting and you will want to hold in your pee for a week."

lets not talk about the million and one things I was told could go wrong.

well... Thanks guys! You were right about most of that... Thanks for the heads up!

Not..

I was induced with my first guy and went through 14 hours of labor before being taken in for an emergency c section.

yeah moms those hurt a bit too..

but I not here to tell anyone the negatives I was pumped full of before my first go at childbirth. I want to tell you the things that I wasn't told.

like for example, that for that first moment you hold your baby, the pain just goes away..
joy consumes you to the point of actual tears. No in all the movies they are not crying out of pain they are crying out of complete pride, love and adoration. that's something the movies got right!

or how about looking over at daddy passed out in the chair holding his newborn child. And you didn't think you could ever love him more! Leave it to the baby to already start proving you wrong :)

or the first time you change a diaper and inevitably get pee on you. Gross? No hysterical. And your very first blackmail story!

Now lets head home.

first night all on your own and the baby wakes up. You go in and get to pick up this more than perfect piece of you and smell the goodness. What does goodness smell like? My only comparison to the wonderful smell of my very own newborn would be for me the smell of the ocean and strawberries. It's that good haha.

you won't want to be the same person. Because you have this being that you want to be the best and do the best for. And snuggling to watch a movie at 7pm is so much more fun that going out dancing. The company is so much better too!

You get kisses, hugs and mommy I love yous.
gorgeous PRICELESS works of art covering your refrigerator.
the opportunity to watch this being that came from you grow into a kind, generous and loving person.

these aren't things anyone told me.

They also never told me that you honestly forget what the pain felt like. ;)

ignore the fear and the anxiety leading up to the moment you have waited for because I can promise you that it's a waste of time. Because that moment. That first moment that you look into the eyes of a little one that has known you since the moment of their creation... It will not matter... They will be all that matter.

little whispers

I have the proud position of being a mommy to two incredible sweet boys. They are both equally sweet and unique in their own ways.
Kyden though the last few months has learned the art of compliments. At 3 1/2 he's learned the way into many hearts with his exclamation of beauty.
It warms my heart.
tonight as I was putting my guy to bed I bent down for our nightly kids and he puts his arms around me and softly whispers in my ear
"you are beautiful mommy. You are my beautiful mommy."
it struck me in my heart. I like many women in this world struggle with myself. I nitpick about the things about myself that I'm not a fan of. And lately I've noticed myself doing it even in front of my boys...
I poke at my stretch marks and mutter a blech as I get ready for work never putting into my mind what they stand for.
they stand for the two beautiful treasures I have the privilege of tucking into bed each night. They stand for the two outstanding pieces of art that find me to be the most beautiful.
I am fearfully and wonderfully made and my child reminded me of that. I am proud of every scar and blemish because it gives me a daily reminder that I am mommy. That I was strong enough to become mommy.
and mostly, that my kids love their mommy regardless of any imperfections I may see.
just as I will always love then despite any imperfections of their own.
sometimes its the littlest message from the littlest mouth that gives us the biggest reminders. 😏

Dreams and tea

I didnt get to pick up my youngest, Parker fron school today and he apparently missed me because he's been all about the snuggles.

So as I'm sitting holding him my lazy butt 3 year old kyden is on the couch and wants his tea off the table that is only two feet in front of him.

This is our conversation...

"Mommy will you get me my tea?"

"No im holding your brother. You are perfectly capable of getting up and getting it."

"No mommy its stuck you have to help me"

"No kyden it isnt."

He then stands up puts his hands around his cup and starts grunting but doesnt pick it up and turn and sits back down.

"See mommy I told you its stuck."

*face palm*

Funny story yes. But it makes me think that my little bear is showing me to a more dramatic length what a lot of people in the world do.  I'm often like this myself.  Something we want is right at our fingertips there for us to just grab a hold of and take and we often give up to soon or like my son... Are just too lazy...

Unfortunately many of never stretch ourselves to our fullest potential when we are lazy and give up all the time.

What would have happened if some of the most influential people of all time gave up or got lazy?

Where would we be if Martin Luther King Jr. gave up because his dream was a difficult one.

Or what if Elvis Presley had given up when his music was called rebellious noise?

We wouldn't be where we are today without the dreams of many people.

What if every important discovery wasnt discovered because of laziness or giving up.

Every dream is worth something.

Even a cup of tea ;)

Perfectly Imperfect

I watched a video tonight that brought tears to my eyes. It was an excerpt from an abc what would you do.

It showed a man with downs syndrome that was bagging groceries and they had hired people to make idiots out of him and call him retarded. The show, showed people that agreed with what they were saying, that ignored it and that fought back for him.

Having a brother with cerebral palsy this hit me harder than it probably does alot of people. Unless you have a family member that has had horrible things said to or about them this word doesnt mean anything but "your stupid" mostly used in a joking manner.

I have unfortunately heard the word retard far more than I would like.  I was 8 years old when I came inside with a busted lip for getting in a fight with someone for calling my baby brother retarded. 

And you know what?  He's the kindest, most compassionate, loving, accepting and intelligent individual I know. 

I have said many times in my life that my  little brother is my smile. Because the fact is, he has heard things said to him and about him more than an average person. Yet he still sees the good in everyone. He has had people treat him poorly and not make an honest effort to understand what he has to say and still chooses to find joy when they are around.

"uh huh? Oh yeah! Really?" I have heard this group of words so many times as I've watched people with my brother that havent for two seconds even tried to understand what hes saying. Its infuriating,  and dont think I haven't confronted a few about it. Even in my rebellious teenage years you didnt mess with my baby brother and I had more umph to say screw you to people. :)

And like I said hes intelligent.  Just because my brothers muscles dont work the way a "normal" persons do doesnt mean his brain doesn't.

But even tho my brother is so amazing,  he still feels the pain of cruel words said towards him.

There are slang terms for everyone in this world. For African Americans, Caucasians, Native Americans, Middle Eastern, homosexuals, disabled... the list goes on right?

Everyone has at least one on that list that they fight for, to not have degraded or put down. That you stand up for and say that that slang term is wrong.

Anyone that knows me knows that I highly hate the terms used for these. And yes retarded hits a little closer to home for me but please think of a time you were called something that truly hurt you and remember that most likely when your disabled you have been called it far more than the average person because unfortunately its seemingly not accepted by any culture.

And exactly like anyone in this world that have cruel negative things said to or about them... they are just the same...

Perfectly imperfect....

59 cents

5 years ago I had only been in tulsa Oklahoma a short time and I honestly had come from a city that had been sheltered.  I wasn't used to a city full of corner beggars and cardboard signs.

I had lived here as a child and for my 8th birthday when asked by my parents what I had wanted i had one reply.

To feed the homeless.

So there I was 8 years old in a run down John 3:16 with young and old men filling their plates. Some cried, some thanked me and some stayed silent. Near the end, one of the men found out it was my birthday and spread it along that it had been my birthday wish to be there with them. I got something in return. A room full of men stood and began singing happy birthday to me.

One man in particular came up to me and my parents after all dirty and grubby... held out his hand and gave me a gift. A WWJD bracelet. He told me I had at a young age showed him the true way that was to be taken. It was dirty and worn but that birthday gift was one I held onto my whole life until it got lost in the move back when I was 20 years old.

I stood back in this city 2009 I had gotten a job at a local convenience store in a not so great part of town. Half of our customers were guys standing right outside begging and then coming in with their change to purchase a pack of smokes or a beer. But there was this one man...

He was probably in his 70's maybe a little younger and life had taken its toll and when the weather got cold he would come in and ask how much it would be to refill his little torn up Styrofoam cup with some hot coffee.

".59 cents sir"

He'd scrounge for the change slowly slide it across the counter and look bashful as he said...

"Thank you sweet girl."

Over time he began to come in  more frequently. His nose and cheeks chapped and his gloves with holes. Just to pay his .59 for that Styrofoam cup. 

One day I saw him walking towards the store and I ran back got a large cup and filled it. When he walked in I stopped him and handed it to him and told him if anytime he came in and I was working to go back and fill it... it was on me.

Tears filled his eyes as he muttered quietly the same phrase.

"Thank you sweet girl."

A few months later he came in and dropped a 5 dollar bill on the counter and told me he knew it wasnt much but that he'd been given some small jobs and he wanted to pay me back for my kindness. Of course I asked him to keep it and allow me to be just that. Kind.

Unfortunately a few weeks after that he walked in with an oxygen tube in his nose as he walked up to the counter to see me. He wasnt there for coffee.  I took a break.

He informed me that he'd been found on a bench passed out and an ambulance had been called and that he had been diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer... the man hadn't smoked a day in his life...

He asked me to quit smoking and I assured him I would try and his eyes filled with tears again.

Apparently he had no family, no real friends and he wanted to make sure that I knew have much he appreciated the fact I never treated him with disgust...

"Thank you so much sweet girl"

I never saw him again...

But today as it rained and was very cool I pulled up to a corner and I did my best to ignore the cardboard sign to my left, but he popped into my mind.. i reached into the middle of my car to my change and pulled out all I had... .59

I had to write this as im forcing down joyful tears. I know that .59 might not mean much for this man but I know how much it meant to a man I once knew.. and it couldn't have been a better reminder...