When I grow up I want to be...

Growing up my parents told me I could be anything and anyone I ever wanted to be. Of course I was like any other kid, I wanted to be a firefighter, marine biologist, detective, a famous singer, an author and one that never wavered, a mother. 

As children we have these big dreams and as parents we want more than anything for our children to reach their dreams and so much more.

When I was 15 anytime someone asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up all I would ever say is a wife and mother.  Let's not talk about the looks I got. And often much of this...

"I meant what job do you want to have"

I realized long before that,  that I would need a job to get from point a to b, before I find my Prince charming and bring beautiful babies into the world. (Yes I have BEAUTIFUL babies) but I wasn't asked that. I was asked what I wanted to be when I grew up!

I have a reason behind this tidbit of my past.

I think that quite often as our children grow up we start thinking less about their dreams and more about their plan. 

Am I saying don't plan with your kids?  No. Of course not.  We are their parents to HELP them become successful. But more so to love them unconditionally.

My son told me today at 3 years of age he wants to be Superman.  Now hes meaning a guy that flies around in a cape and saves damsels in distress. Im aware of this. But first, I choose to let him be little.  Let him believe in super powers as long as possible.  Why not? It's his dream. 

Now he will probably outgrow superman. But if not? What can my son do in his adult years to be Superman?? 

-President of the United States
-Doctor and save lives
-Medical researcher and discover cures for diseases like AIDS, Cancer, ALS and Alzheimers.
-Firefighter save lives
-Police officer and bring justice

My baby CAN be Superman.

But want to know what else my baby could be and still be Superman?

-Factory worker
-Steel worker
-Grocery stocker
-Teacher
-Musician

No matter what road our kids choose, as long as we have raised them right and they are good people and have followed their heart and end up where THEY want to be then no matter the occupation,  my babies will grow to be...

SUPER men!

No, my children are NOT my first priority

Ok now before anyone starts getting their panties all in a bunch hear me out.
My children mean the WORLD to me!
BUT they are not my first priority.  That spot is held by one person.
My husband.
Now some of you may have your jaws on the floor in shock and absolute disagreement. But yet again I ask. Please hear me out.

The statistics today are that 50% of marriages in the U.S. end in divorce and 40% of those have children.

Think of those kids. Now I bet you alot of those parents put their children before their spouse. Cause I was one.

·Rushing a wedding because of pregnancy even if it was already being planned. You didnt get to take the time to enjoy the process or your spouse.

· Lack of communication because face it we are all to blame for allowing our kids to come up and interrupt our conversations and we allow them just to get them on their way so we can finish the conversation.

·Lack of intimate time. Its like clockwork, get those candles lit and boom someone had a bad dream or is sick or needs a diaper change. And then all thats done and you're TIRED! sorry honey not happening tonight.

Now I'm not saying anyone that has done any of these things is to blame for anything! But looking at these situations and even being in them myself has allowed me to realize a few things.

My husband kinda got the short end of the stick!

About a year ago, my husband and I were going through a rough patch. We were fighting constantly. Neither one was ever right or wrong. And even when we were just talking mid conversation I'd walk off and tend to something baby related that REALLY could have waited but I was not focused on the right things. What he was telling me was important to him and I would unintentionally act like it bored me. And of course when he'd mention it I would get defensive!  I mean how dare he think I didnt care when I was trying so hard to be the best mother to HIS children. I thought it was logical thinking at the time.

We would get that once a month night where a family member would take the boys for a couple hours for a mommy daddy date and I would no joke call every hour to make sure they were ok. While my husband sat there waiting for the 5 minute phone call to be finished.

Even when it was just me and him I wasnt making HIM feel important. 

Anytime he tried to be dad and rough house with his boys, I'd chime in that he needed to be careful. Anytime he tried to discipline, I'd correct him and tell him it was wrong. Was I the only parent? No. But I was sure making him feel that way. I had developed this need to be in control of our kids because in my head they were my job. He went to work and provided for us it was my job to raise the kids. I wasnt realizing this was driving a wedge between me and him and him and his children. He didnt know what he was "allowed" to do. Like I had given him a rule book... and in a way I had.

In trying to be the best mom ever... I was destroying my marriage and even worse my relationship with my best friend.

It took my husband reaching rock bottom in the confusion to finally say these words.

"I don't feel like I can do anything right"

Oh wow that was a smack in the face. And not by him. By me.

I had damaged my husbands self esteem! His whole self, his entire heart and soul was to provide for us and love us. And I made him feel like that wasn't enough. That THAT wasn't good enough!

Then I realized... my children will always love me. I dont have to respond in an instant to their needs in fear of them giving up on me. I don't have to "baby" them. They are loved and taken care of. And not just by me, but by their incredible father.

One of my favorite past times now is all four of us cuddling up on the couch watching a movie. Daddy getting time with his family and when the kids get up and say "mom mom mom i need...!" Its not so hard to look at them and tell them "not right now"

I didnt realize that I needed that time with him as much as he needed it with me. He is what makes me whole and when you go so long without being whole it starts to take a toll on you.

Without your spouse being your first priority... your marriage suffers... if your marriage suffers..  so do your children... its all a domino effect.

Remember that the next time they walk through the door. And the words "hi honey,  I'm glad your home. How was your day?"

Into the unknown

There are things in our lives that we are fearful of because we do not know how the outcome will be. We as humans are scared of failure more than we are of anything. Id like to share my story of when I was most fearful of failure.

Almost three years ago I was the momma of a beautiful 6 month old baby boy.

My pregnancy with him had been beautiful till the day I developed preeclampsia, ended up on bed rest and a week later had to be induced a month early.  The induction ended up turning into an emergency c section as my little ones heart rate dropped... then I had a baby the size of a baby doll.. (much smaller than he should have been at that point) he had complications and was sent to the nicu.. I wasn't able to see my baby for 15 hours...

So 6 months later standing in the bathroom looking at those two pink lines anxiety overwhelmed me...

Our first son was very much planned.
He was discussed,  budgeted for and "agreed" upon.
I had planned on nursing and unfortunately a month into his little life at only 5 lbs he had to begin supplementing.  News flash to all, diapers are expensive yes... but formula is WAY more expensive especially the kind for babies with acid reflux and sensitive tummies..

Needless to say our finances were already crunched more than expected.
"What Will Daniel say?  We'll have to get another car seat. Another crib. MORE diapers.  Possibly more formula. What if I go on bed rest again?  How am I supposed to take care of an infant while on bed rest?  How can we do this?!"

The fear filled questions were endless.

Please do not get me wrong I was excited about the life inside of me. I have always wanted a large family. Just unfortunately fear of our finances and my previous pregnancy complications caused the thoughts of failure to consume me.

I walked out of the bathroom and told my husband. And at first he couldn't believe it. I was on birth control. After a scheduled appt and a pregnancy test, proof is in the paperwork mommy and daddy. We were about to be a family of 4.

Daniel was so excited. He was nervous, sure. But he knew how much he loved our first little guy and knew he'd love this one just as much.

My husband really is incredible. :)

I struggled horribly with depression and anxiety during my second pregnancy.  I now believe it had a great deal to do with my thoughts that I wouldnt be good enough.  "I'm no super mom" I would say this and down play myself often.

The day that beautiful 7lb 2ounce baby was placed in my arms all of that vanished.  I could do this. 

The sacrifices were simple and easy.  Instead of clothes for me an outfit for each boy and an extra box of diapers made it onto the cart. Cancel out the extra junk food for the house and containers of puffs snuck into the bag (those were parkers favorite :)) sleep was broke and mommy nap times were gone cause by the time I got baby number two down baby number 1 was back up.

There were days it was overwhelming. Especially when colic was present but with the help of my wonderful husband we made it.

My boys make me smile in even the darkest of situations. They are my drive to succeed and are the reason I never give up.

I feel no regret that they are so close in age and 2 and 3 it's actually quite a bit of fun :) my only regret is that I didn't believe in our ability as parents enough.

I will never make that mistake again.

It can always be worse

Today has been one of those days.
Those days where you sit and ask the question

"anything else wanna go wrong?! I'm already down! "

The kids have been at each other's throats today and I do not mean that lightly. 
Throwing toys at heads,  screaming, kicking, hitting and body slamming.
Every five mins (no exaggeration) I am breaking up another fight. Sadly only one who's been in a good mood is the one year old.

The dog is scared of storms... my big beautiful German Shepard mix sissy is scared of storms! So badly she somehow ended up in the neighbors yard... and couldn't get back...

So I was thankful for the let up in the rain.
As im putting her leash on on the other side of the block shes freaking out and getting mud ALL over me... no I have no pictures lol.
Then as I go to put her in the towel in the car.  BOOM!!!! My big beautiful girl almost takes my hand of ripping away from fear.  Instant downpour.

I then get ahold of her again and get her to the car. .. BOOM!!!
lovely... she freaked and got mud all over my car.  My 3 week old, 2013 car.  Did I mention I have tan upholstery? ... GAH.

i get her to the house and she shakes all over the kitchen... and me.. like I wasn't muddy enough. ..

Ok done with my complaints. I have a reason for this.

Remember my first question?  Asking if anything else wants to go wrong? 

Why do we ask that question?!

Number one, this just makes us notice when more goes wrong! 

Number two, sure is it overwhelming that the kids have been fighting all day.  Sure its frustrating to have to go out in a storm for a dog and get all wet and muddy. Sure its frustrating that im gunna have to clean my car. But those are minor things.

At least I have kids to get overwhelmed with.
At least I am able to afford to have and protect my big beautiful wussy companion. Lol
And at least I have a car to get dirty going to get her.

Tomorrow will be better with the kids emotions and mine.

My girl will get a bath tonight and so will I and snuggling will calm her spirits.

And this weekend we will get my car cleaned.

It can always be worse. Someone else's bombs being dropped on them can be nuclear. 

Im thankful for the fact that mine can go away without any harm.

Might take a few deep breaths and counting to ten but im thankful.

Dont let your heart wander.

In the last two months I have seen a few people lose people that mean more than the world to them.
In the last few years I have lost a few people very important to me.
After each time of loss it is a normal thing to be refreshed that life can be gone in the blink of an eye and your loved ones can lose you or you lose them. But after a period of time the pain fades and we all jump back to normal and seem forget that fact...

Dont let your heart wander...

Dont let it wander from the love. Im not saying that in a you may stop loving kind of scenario. Im talking about not letting it wander to the point of not loving and living each day with your family and friends with the reassurance of that love.

I am one of those that do that... and after each death (some take longer to get over than others) I have that bounce back phase. Where I semi try to forget im order to stop the pain. Which pushes me to forget that sometimes life isn't as beautiful as I think it should be.

We shouldn't forget about those souls. We should celebrate what they have done for us.

When my best friend passed 5 years ago I was angry. Angry at him, angry at me and angry at everyone else. This was an incorrect action but its one of the steps to acceptance.  This I now know. I can now talk about him with great joy at great memories.  This is the correct action.

Yesterday when I found out about the death or another important person in my life, all those angry feelings came back. But today I am determined to not let her death be in vain. I refuse to harbor resentment or anger... I choose to rejoice in her LIFE. She had such a beautiful life.

I will not forget that even if ive told my kids 10 times in one day I love them 11 times wont hurt. That even if ive hugged and kissed my husband be for work already, one more for the road is ok. That patience and understanding even during a situation that I dont quite understand is important. 

I will not let my heart wander.
Don't let yours.

Sometimes we aren't going to understand...

This morning I woke up like I do every morning. It was just another day. The most depressing part was that my husbands vacation was over and he was back to work. Not going to lie I was pouting.  So little did I know this was going to be a very small tear in the pool of today...

A woman that I admire and look up to for many years, who helped me through very trying times in my life, who has always been there to lend a reassuring word even almost 600 miles away...

no longer is..

Her life was cut short do to a car accident... yes an accident... then why am I so angry?..

Im angry because at this moment knowing that one of the best people I have ever known who has a husband that would move heaven and earth for her and a house FULL of children that need her... love her... all I can think is the selfish judgmental thoughts..

WHY COULDN'T IT HAVE BEEN SOMEBODY ELSE!!!! WHY couldn't it have been one of those people that are horrible people?!

This may be cruel and terribly un Christian like but at this moment in my pain... I honestly can't care... please God  forgive me later...

How can our world survive when someone that is so life changing, wonderful, giving, compassionate and loving isn't around?

Shes not just one person. She was one person that touched more lives than I could ever dream of touching. She shared truths. Listened to fears. Encouraged dreams. Instilled patience.

She loved unconditionally.  You could be in the same room as her and her husband and feel yes FEEL the love pouring from them for each other...

How can that just go away...

I don't understand. .. I am honestly not sure I ever will... I'm mad... I'm struggling  see the larger purpose... in my eyes her purpose was to be here.  To be a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister and a friend...

I cant remember if I ever thanked you.  For everything or even anything... I regret if I didn't.

Thank you.  Thank you for helping to shape me into the woman I am today. Thank you for always believing I could be better. Thank you for showing me that life is meant to be shared and full of love and that being angry and lonely is just that... angry and lonely... I miss you, your family miss you... friends miss you... the world will miss you...

I thought I knew it all.

Before i was a mom I thought I knew it all.
I thought I knew the best technique for discipline.
I thought i knew how to do it all without being tired.
I thought I'd be organized.
I thought I wouldn't make mistakes.
I thought I'd have perfectly well behaved children.
I thought I'd put other moms to shame.

Yes this is shallow that I believed that I could be "better" than anyone else. But my only dream in life was to be a mom so I was going to succeed at being darn good at it.

And you know what? I am.

I mess up and lose my temper sometimes.  Wish I could take a raising of my voice "knock it OFF!" back.

But I apologize and my babies forgive me.

In that I succeed.

I am tired more often than not.

But I wake up every morning down my cup (maybe two) of coffee and start my day with my kiddos. Playing, reading, cleaning. Repeat.

In that I succeed.

I am one of the least organized people in this world. My brilliant memory I had before pregnancy never returned and without the help of my husband I wouldn't know where my keys (he thankfully set up a key clip for me so they are always in the same place), my ID, my sunglasses or even my belt were. Minimal things in our house have a home and the ones that do my husband set up for me ha.

So I personally dont succeed in that but I married a wonderful man that keeps my brain screwed on and with that I can say I succeeded even in my failure.

I make mistakes. Dozens of times a day. Multiple times in one hour sometimes.  I dont pay attention to some small things I should because I'm to busy focusing on things I've made bigger than I should have. Said things I shouldn't have. Made the wrong decisions thinking they were right.

But I did all of those things with the intention of doing the right thing and when they are wrong I learn from those mistakes. Theres new ones to learn from every day and I probably wont have them all figured out by the time my children are grown and on their own.

But by learning I succeed.

My children are NOT perfect and by expecting them to try to be I'm putting pressure on them they do not deserve.  They may not be perfect by what pre mommy me thought they should be but they are perfectly them.

In knowing that and accepting them how they are I have succeeded.

I no longer try to put other mothers to shame. I can't.  Each mother has their own battle they are fighting that isn't mine. They could sit there and put ME to shame. This ones house may be spotless but it takes a toll on her emotionally and physically to do it all. This one may have a messy house that brings her feeling of accomplishment down. This one may have a child with adhd and she feels embarrassed when her child causes problems in class. This one may have an autistic child and have to learn in whole different ways how to be a parent.
All of these mothers are different with different situations.  Some married, some single, some with families to help and some who are utterly alone.

I can't and won't judge them. I will be the listening ear and the hand to help them up when they need it. I am their fellow soldier fighting to better my child every day.

In that in have succeeded.

I look back now and laugh at myself for being so vain to think that in had it all figured out before I even had the opportunity to figure it out.

Thank goodness we have the opportunity to change our viewpoints throughout our lives.

Each day is a new exciting adventure and each day that I mess up and am tired I love the fact that I can look at the previous hours and not see monotony.

Thank goodness I still dont know it all.